CUSTOMER NEEDS ASSISTANCE IN THE METH DEPARTMENT

The Christmas shopping frenzy is upon us and in full swing. We've survived another Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday in search of those super bargains, and as the big day approaches the 2 week mark, the mall parking lots are near capacity as the procrastinators get around to finally getting in the mix while everyone else is getting some last minute shopping done.

And I think it's safe to say that if the parking lot at Sears is at 50%, then you can almost bet the barn that a store like Wal-Mart is at about 140% capacity. Of course Wal-Mart doesn't really need the Christmas season to pack the place, it can be like that in May or June as well, seeing how Wal-Mart is the place you can get it all at "rollback" prices.

Rolling back prices on HDTV's, video games, DVD's, digital cameras, auto parts, cleaning supplies, clothes, medicine, shampoo, jewelry, toys, sporting goods, housewares, kitchenwares, gardening, grilling and in the case of a Tulsa, Oklahoma Wal-Mart...even crystal meth.

Woman makes meth inside Wal-Mart

A 45 year old woman in Tulsa, Elizabeth Alisha Greta Halfmoon ('cause 3 names isn't enough), was arrested for mixing chemicals to make meth.....INSIDE THE FREAKING STORE!!!!! Apparently (and I'm just going on my own assumption here), she ran out of meth money from buying a bunch of crack, and was too broke to buy the chemicals to make the meth. So, in a methheads infinite wisdom, she decides to mix up the magic potion in just one bottle, in the store, and just buy that one bottle. You know, instead of having to buy all the separate bottles of stuff, which can get pretty costly even at Wally World.

For 6 hours she was in the store, flipping through the $5 movie bin, waiting for her meth to be done. I guess. When security cameras caught the woman acting suspicious, they called the cops in and they busted her. Or it might have been when somebody noticed and reported all the smoke coming from her shopping cart. Or it might have been when she was setting up a meth display between the Lays Potato Chips (on sale 2 for $5) and the Dr. Pepper display ($4.99 a case). Not sure on the details.

Six hours in a store, a busy store, whipping up a batch of meth. Wow!! I guess the guy growing his own marijuana back in Lawn & Gardening was glad she was taking all of the attention away from him. Paranoid, but glad.

HORSE PLAY

OK, this one is probably going to be a little too gross for some, but the world needs to know just how sick and twisted people are. You're going to see some bloody pictures of a live woman and a dead animal. I will save the pictures until the end of the blog so if you want to read on to see what the hell this is about, go right ahead. I'll leave plenty of warning when the pics are coming.

So a 21 year old, aspiring model and nudist, Jasha Lottin, of Portland, Oregon, had this 32 year old horse, that her and her boyfriend said was in declining health, and decided to put the old horse out of it's misery.

OK, I get that. Sometimes we've got to put our old pets down when there's just nothing else you can do for them. The following though, is what I don't get.

So they decide they'll put the horse down themselves, gut it, and then finally eat it.

See, that's already getting a little weird. I mean, I think it's weird when you put ol' Rover down and take him to the taxidermist to have him do his thing so that Rover will be with you forever. But at least you're not having Fido quesadillas.
Wait, it gets worse.

After they gut the horse, little miss nudist decides she wants to strip down and crawl inside the carcass, simply because she wanted to know what it felt like to be inside a dead horse. Not a dare, she didn't lose a bet, she just wanted to know what it felt like. She also doesn't understand why people care about what she's done.

I do get that, somewhat. I mean, the police said they've ruled out any kind of animal cruelty and that no laws were violated, so whatever you do in the privacy of your own backyard is your business. Except they didn't keep it in their backyard. Miss modeling as horse intestines (which I don't think is the way an aspiring model should go), decides to post the pictures of her bloody escapade on the internet. Covered in horse blood, wrapped up inside the carcass and posing with some of the horses organs. Not that organ.......I don't think.

So, how messed up, in what little brain you have left, do you have to be.........
......to have a girlfriend that likes to get naked and crawl inside dead Mr. Ed
Dude....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

When she was inside the dead carcass was she thinking that this sorta must be what Job felt like when he was inside the whale? Seriously!!! That commercial with the egg and the frying pan, "this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs", if that didn't get the message to you about drugs, then they need to do a commercial about people getting naked and crawling around inside large dead animals.

There are some f***ed up people on this planet.

OK, here are the pics. They're pretty brutal.
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THERE'S NO NEED TO FEAR...

...UNDERDOG IS HERE!!!!!!!

Or some other super hero, or a superhero wanna-be.

Crime is rampant in Metropolis and if there's ever been a time when society needs a superhero it's now. The criminals are taking over, the cops are crooked, the DA is on the take, and the citizens are tired of living in fear.

That's what these guys must be telling themselves, right?

I'm talking about the increasing rise in vigilante-like action taken by people who are dressing up as superheroes.

Last year, Kick-Ass, hit the big screen. It was a movie about an ordinary average kid who wondered why there were no real superheroes. So he decided to be one despite no super powers. Having super powers myself, I know that having them is a vital part of being a superhero. Not having them and dressing up as a super hero is called a costume party.

Smelly Underarm Man!!! Err...I mean, Batman, is the latest "crime fighter" to be arrested by police. Dude's name is Mark Wayne. I kid you not. OK, it's actually Mark Wayne Williams, but still. Police in Petosky, Michigan arrested Williams when they found him dangling from a roof in his Caped Crusader gear. "Batman" had on him a baton, some Mace type spray, and had on lead-lined gloves. They booked him for trespassing and carrying dangerous weapons, and the judge ordered him to hang up his mask and cape for 6 months.

First of all, if you're going to be Batman, you're going to need a suit that can breathe. You can't fight crime with that kind of perspiration. Two words Mr. Batman, Secret deodorant. It's made for a woman but strong enough for a superhero.

And let's get with the times. A little more Dark Knight and a little less 'same bat time, same bat channel' 60's.

But at least Mark Wayne picked a superhero we've all heard about. And he doesn't have a boy Robin....that we know about. This next guy though, really did go Kick-Ass and made up his own crime fighter.

No, this is not Racer X's evil twin. They call this man Phoenix Jones. This Hancock wanna-be was arrested by Seattle police for pepper spraying a group of people he thought were fighting. There's even a video of him in action.

Phoenix Jones saves the day!

Phoenix and Batman are just 2 real life dress up like superheroes to make the news recently because they did get arrested, but apparently this real life superhero dress up party is a little more common than one would think. Let me introduce a few.

Angle Grinder Man. This guy roams the streets at night freeing people's cars who've had their cars wheel-clamped.

Captain Ozone is from the year 2039. He was sent to earth to save us from destroying ourselves. He saves endangered species, promotes renewable energy and teaches school children how to become environmental activists. He has to work during the day because the Ozonemobile is solar powered.

Mr. Silent. This guy roams the streets of downtown Indy about once a week doing what he can to help those in distress. When asked what happens if people need help the 6 days he doesn't roam the streets, Mr. Silent had nothing to say.

Super Barrio can be found in Mexico City defending the lower class and has actually become a real folk hero leading protest rallies, filing petitions, and challenging court orders. Super Barrio isn't afraid of a tamale or 12...dozen.

What about the women? They can get their superhero on too. Here's Terrifica. This masked maiden cruises the bars and clubs of New York City by night in an effort to protect drunk chicks from being taken advantage of. Actually, she carries a substance in her utility belt that she gives drunk dudes to counter the effect that everyone's prettier at 2 am. Man, could I have used that a time or two.

I don't really know who this is so I'm just going to assume that he's "The Very, Very Lone Ranger".

And finally, the only "superhero" (besides me) that I have ever seen in real life.

Faster than a clogged artery, more powerful than a locomotive (or at least bigger than one), and able to drink a Miller Lite in a single gulp. It's not a bird, it's not a plane, it's Texan Elvis!!

UNLIKE FACEBOOK

I am appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use, keeps making changes that inconvenience me.

That statement is really kinda funny if you think about it, but that's what it's come to at these internet social meeting places these days. Facebook has made the guy who created it, Mark Zuckerberg, one of the richest guys in his 20's in this quadrant of the Milky Way. And he did it by just taking something that really already existed, a virtual place for people to gather. There's been chatrooms and message boards or forums for years where people could go and share whatever their heart's desired. Invite who you want to, talk about whatever you want to. There was even a social network similar to Facebook that already existed, MySpace. MySpace still exists, as do chatrooms and message boards, but Facebook came along and the masses just started flocking to it.

With over 800 million users, that's about 11.5% of the population of the planet, advertisers were foaming at the mouth with a way to reach a whole lot of potential customers like never before. And with mega-advertising reaching to a mega-audience, the money comes rolling in. And truthfully, there's nothing wrong with that. That's capitalism baby! With all the advertising putting all those gozillions of dollars into Zuckerberg's wallet, room has to be made to show that advertising.

I've been on Facebook about a year and a half, 2 years maybe, and in that short time, there have already been several changes made. And like most things in the world these days, change doesn't always mean for the better. In the short time I've been on, the more personalized page that I used to have has become much less personal in order to fit the advertising in.

The latest change though, the one that has users currently flooding "newsfeeds" of how they're upset with the change, is another example of if it's not broke, don't fix it. I think back to the first sentence in this blog entry, and though true, there's no gun to my head to use this service, I do believe that if you offer a service, get people buying into and liking it, so much so that you're an overnight billionaire, then you start making changes that take away from why people use that service and brought everyone there in the first place, then you might be starting your own downfall. Of course if you're a billionaire I don't know how much that really matters to you.

Facebook is a neat little idea. I've been a message board user talking about a local sports teams since the late '90's, and all Facebook really is the way I see it, is your own personal message board. And I've seen message boards make changes that the members didn't appreciate and abandoned those sites and moved elsewhere. With the way the world works these days, the next new thing is right around the corner (see Twitter), and if Facebook makes changes that their users don't like, or that make it difficult to navigate and keep up with, those users will drop off. And when that happens, the advertisement dollar starts to shrink.

So you see, Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg, even though it's a free service to nearly a billion people that no one is forcing those nearly billion users to use, it's because of those nearly billion people that you have all those billions under your mattress.

So seriously, stop inconveniencing me by changing my free service that no one is making me use. I'm tired of all the status changes showing up in my newsfeed that I don't know how to navigate through any more.

TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT

We've all had jobs we've hated, and maybe some still do have jobs they hate. Whether it's a dickhead of a boss, the work is repetitive, monotonous, too hard, bad benefits or no benefits, it's a dead end job, the pay is bad, the commute is horrific, whatever the case may be, we all can get some serious complaining on when it comes to our jobs. In fact, there aren't too many people I've ever come across in my time that really love what they do for a living.

After a recent rectal exam I got to thinking about that doctor's job and him having to do that. I mean, I'd bet it's bad enough having to deal with snot-nosed kids, and adults, sick patients coughing and wheezing and so on all day, what exactly is the worst part of that doctor's job? What does he complain about?
"I had to stick my finger up this huge ass today"
My job isn't that bad, right? Is your job?

Next time you find yourself complaining about your job, stop for a second and thank your lucky chickens that you don't have some of the following jobs or are in some of the following work environments. Well, unless you do have one of these jobs.

Hey Charlie, when are you going on vacation again?

Excuse me, coming through, running late today getting the kids to school, excuse me.

Teacher: And what does your dad do, Jimmy?

Jimmy: My dad crawls up elephant's butts.

Teacher: Jimmy, that's not nice. Go see the principal.

Jimmy: But that's what he does, honest.

Collecting horse semen. Might be a little easier with some horse porn. Mr. Ed Does Dallas?



Nice catch but i think you're going to need a bigger sack.....and a wheelbarrow.

OK, you're the 3rd person this week to do this job. We just need you to hold it steady.

Are you sure the power's off to this wire?

Yeah, that one right there, You're good to go.

Had to do this one again.

Jimmy, how many times have I told you not to crawl up the elephant's butt?

Now give me your hand.

OK, this is really pissing me off!

And finally:

I finally get the promotion to underarms.

BLOODS & CRIPS - RED RIVER STYLE

Are fans of sports teams really just gang members? Rivalries between sports teams can be pretty intense, but the fans of those teams can take it up quite a few notches. And this is a worldwide phenomenon. Around the globe, soccer, or fútbol, as it's known by non-Americans, has some of the most intense rivalries in the world. Manchester United/Arsenal, Barcelona/Real Madrid, Brazil/Argentina....whenever these teams play each other it is watched by millions. And we've all heard about the shenanigans by some of the die-hard fans of some of these teams (and by die-hard I mean drunk, wasted, blitzed out of their minds). Referees have been shot because a fan didn't like a call the ref made. It's brutal.

Here in the good ol' U.S. of A. we can get some sports rivalries on too. Yankees/Red Sox is one of the biggest rivalries we have, but for the most part, football rules the world here in America. Particularly, college football. So much so that some of these rivalries are referred to as "wars" - The Civil War, Oregon/Oregon St. - The Border War, Kansas/Missouri - The Holy War, Brigham Young/Utah.

There's one college football rivalry that is picking up steam in a hurry to being one of the biggest and unfortunately, bloodiest rivalries in the world.

THE RED RIVER SHOOTOUT

This is the annual football game between the University of Texas and Oklahoma University. This rivalry started in 1900, before Oklahoma was a state. Since 1929, these 2 schools have met each other every single year, at a neutral site (Dallas). This year's game on October 8, will be the 106th time they've played each other.

The games are pretty intense by themselves as one or both schools are usually very highly ranked when they play. As mentioned though, fans can take it to another level. Playing at a neutral site, one team's fans fill up half the stadium and the other team's fans fill up the other half. Unfortunately, they have to meet somewhere and yucky UT fan might actually have to touch yucky OU fan.

Now here's where the touchy, touchy gets a little out of control. Keep in mind that the college football season hasn't even started yet. A couple of weeks ago, in an Applebee's restaurant in San Antonio, an OU fan and a UT fan got into an argument about their respective teams. The OU fan followed the UT fan into the foyer of the restaurant, where they continued arguing, and of course, a knife fight breaks out. The UT fan suffered stab wounds to the wrist, while the OU fan had stab wounds on his stomach and arms. Really? My team's better and I'll stab you to prove it?

At least that is not as bad as what happened about 4 years ago between fans of these 2 schools. My stomach is already feeling a little queasy knowing what I have to type. In 2007, a UT fan wandered into Henry Hudson's Pub in Oklahoma City, wearing his UT shirt. Well, OU fan, Michael Beckett, thought that was a little too "ballsy" from this fan of a hated rival, and he wasn't about to have any of it. From the moment UT fan, Brian Thomas, walked into the pub, Beckett was giving him the business. Thomas tried to ignore the man, but he was screaming at him. After about 20 minutes of the abuse, Thomas decided to pay his tab and leave. When he turned around, Beckett grabbed Thomas by the scrotum and wouldn't let go. Thomas tried punching the guy, but that's kind of hard to do when he's got your 2 worlds in his hands. Thomas said felt his scrotum tear and then blood started running down his leg. It took 60 stitches to repair the tear.

I get rivalries. There are teams I hate with a passion, and team's fans I can't stand even more. But come on man, this isn't Bloods vs. Crips, this is a freaking kid's game. Rip a man's scrotum off? What happened to a good ol' kick in the manjigglies?

I think I'm going to be sick.

A MAYOR WALKS INTO A BAR...

Here's a little tale out of Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Sheboygan. Already near the top of the list of my all-time favorite names for a town.

The mayor of Sheboygan, Bob Ryan, got himself into a little....um....trouble recently. No, he didn't misappropriate the city's funds or anything like that, but he did go on a weekend bender where he got into a fight and passed out in a bar.

Mayor Ryan, an alcoholic, and admits it, is now facing the wrath of the Sheboygan city council, who is asking that he resign his post as mayor. Ryan, very apologetic of his actions, says he has no intentions of stepping down. He says that though he has a drinking problem, it has never affected his job performance. He claims he has never conducted city business under the influence, and says that he has never eyeballed vodka. OK, he didn't really say that last part. I'm getting my blogs intertwined.

So does Mr. Mayor really need to lose a job because of a few drinks he had off the Sheboygan clock? If everyone lost their job over a bad weekend, doing something stupid, nobody would be working any more. Getting real tired of society playing the "he needs to be fired" card for every little thing. I mean, we're talking beer land Wisconsin where 79% of the electorate are the barfly crowd. OK, starting a fight and passing out in a bar may not be so little but I can see how some of that probably went down.

Customer: Excuse me sir, you're sitting in my seat.
Mayor: Hey, do you know who I am? I'm the Mayor!
Customer: I don't care if you the queen of England. I got up to use the restroom and you're sitting in my seat, freaking out my girlfriend.
Mayor: Hey baby, I'm the Mayor.
Customer: OK, that's it buddy. I don't care if I did vote for you, I'm kicking your ass.

Hey, politics can drive you to drinking. Especially if you're a politician trying to do things the right way.

Hahahahahaha!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face. Politician, right way? Like that exists.

Still though, an admitted alcoholic, who is and has been seeking help, had himself a rough weekend. It's not the end of the world. At least he didn't hop into an armoured personnel carrier and start mowing down citizen's cars that were illegally parked.

Yeah, that happened. Mayor Arturas Zuokas of Vilnius, Lithuania, responded to residents complaining about luxury car owners parking in bicycle lanes, so in a publicity stunt to show the public that the problem is being addressed, he rolls his tank over a Mercedes-Benz S-Class.

Or you could have Mayor Martin Resendiz of Sunland Park, New Mexico who signed NINE contracts with a California company, while he was drunk. "The day I signed, I had way too much to drink. It was after 5 p.m. and I signed it (the contracts) and I didn't know what I was signing," says Mayor Resendiz. "My sister had to pick me up." OK, see, now we have a problem where this guy just might have to lose his job and this guy is not being asked to step down. In fact, Mayor Resendiz is planning to run for the U.S. House. Despite the California company who is now suing because the city isn't paying because they say the contracts are not valid since City Council didn't approve them, no one seems to be asking for Resendiz to resign his post.

Hmmm, Ryan - Republican, Resendiz - Democrat.....just sayin'.
Arturas Zuokas - out of his freaking mind, but I've got to get me one of those tanks.

SNORE POLICE

The Crowne Plaza hotel chain has decided to take the bull by the horns in the ever increasing fight against.....




......SNORING.

This hotel chain will have certain floors of their hotels dedicated to solving the problem light sleepers have with people who snore. These floors will be deemed, "quiet zones" with some rooms designed to be "snore absorption" rooms. These rooms will be equipped with sound proofing on the walls and headboard, with anti-snoring pillows and white noise machines.

Anti-snoring pillows? You mean pillows that knee you in the back to get you to turn over so you stop snoring? Cool!!

And if that doesn't do the trick, "snore patrols" will be roaming the halls listening for excessive snorers. Their job will be to listen for loud snoring, and knock on the door to get you to quit snoring.
OK, gotcha!

"Well, the snoring really wasn't bothering me, it was the "snore patrol" guys banging on doors trying to get people to stop snoring that kept me up all night."

Snore Patrol: "BANG, BANG, BANG!!! Wake up sir!! Wake up and open the door!! BANG, BANG, BANG!!"
Guest (half asleep): "What's the matter? Is there a fire?"
Snore Patrol: "No sir, no fire. You were snoring too loud.
Everyone, go back to bed, the situation is now under control. Nothing to see here."

And who signs up for "snore patrol"? Do you get a badge, a taser, a tranquilizer gun?

This week on "Snore Patrol" the team has the snoring narrowed down to the 5th floor and they're closing in. Using a stethoscope they determine room 517 is where the dangerous snorer lies. Locked and loaded and with no time to call in housekeeping for the room key, they use the battering ram to bust in and subdue the man they refer to as "The Snore Bandit".

Yeah, I've stayed in a few hotels/motels in my time, some pretty thin-walled places, and I've never had a problem with someone across the hall keeping me up by snoring. Squeaking bed, headboard banging against the wall, sounds like a woman screaming? Yeah. But never snoring.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY VODKA?

Proof that evolution (if you believe in that) has run it's course and if anything, is beginning a serious regression.

This is called "eyeballing vodka". A very disturbing trend that seems to be sweeping college campuses. Those who do this (pour shots of vodka into their eyeball) say it gets you drunk faster, almost instantly. They believe that by pouring the vodka into your eye, the alcohol gets into your system much faster, giving you a much quicker high.

And I thought I had a drinking problem. These people are totally missing their mouths.

Science says it doesn't make you drunk faster, if at all. Experts point out that very little alcohol can be absorbed into your system through the eye. So the people who do this thinking it makes you drunk faster are....you guessed it....already blitzed out of their skull.

Oh, and they're idiots.

Plus it freaking hurts. Eyeballing vodka is like pouring bleach into your eye. Pouring 40% alcohol into your eye damages the epithelium, which is a delicate layer of skin cells covering the eye, which helps protect the eye from infection and scarring that could lead to loss of sight.

Beer bongs, shotgunning a beer, all ways to get buzzing pretty quickly, but all in the conventional way (over the lips and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes) and all that actually get alcohol into your system. Who comes up with the idea of drinking through your eye? Especially with the pain involved. And if that guy isn't bad enough, how about all the people that follow suit? What's next, smoking crack through your ear? A crystal meth enema?

Right! Eating with your eyes. I see that's been done. Need to eyeball some vodka to wash that down?

Oh well, I guess if you're going to get drunk by drinking through your eyeballs, like everything in life, you want to do it in moderation. You don't want to do too much and end up like this guy.

NESSIE VISITS ALASKA?

That's supposedly Alaska's version of the Loch Ness Monster. This picture is taken by some local Alaskan fisherman in 2009. In fact, that's actually a still shot from video footage they took of this "monster". And it raises this very important question........

What the hell is the deal with all the grainy, out of focus pictures of all these so-called monsters? Have you ever seen a picture of the Loch Ness Monster that wasn't like this?

I mean, the technology in cameras has come a long, long way. It's almost impossible any more to take a crappy picture like that. I took this next picture running full speed, just throwing my arm up to point the camera (while still running), and hitting the button.

An almost crystal clear image, no fuzzy, out of focus, grainy look. A clear picture! And I wasn't even trying to take a good picture. I can do that while running and the grainy, out of focus images are all we can come up with when we run across sasquatch?

At least that one is in color. That's got to be a first.

So this "monster" in Alaska is thought to be a Cadborosaurus, a sea serpent that lives off the Pacific coast of North America.

Let's see Swamp People tag one of those.

Anyway, here's the video footage of the Alaska monster.

Even the video is gray and grainy. Of course the guys talking are clear and in color. Go figure.

THE HEAT IS ON...SORTA

The heat wave that is gripping much of the midwest, and has the media in a frenzy, begins moving to the east coast and all hell is breaking loose. A story on msnbc.com is reporting that the mercury reached 91 blistering degrees in New York City. From that article,

"Through the rest of this week and into the weekend at least 15 states starting from the Southern Plains and Midwest and much of the Northeast will witness 90 degree-plus temperatures with high humidity."

OK, are you telling me that the media is going ape-crazy about a heat wave that has temperatures IN THE FREAKING 90's??? Have these people ever heard of Texas, Arizona, the southern and southwest United States where temperatures are in the 90's or higher, from May to September??? Of course they haven't. The only places that matter in this world are Chicago, Philly, New York and D.C.

Unbelievable!! A full blown out freak job about 90 degree temperatures. Oh, except they try not to tell you what the real temperature is, instead they whip out the "heat index" number because that seems to have much more of a WOW factor on people. Then there's the guy with the instant-read thermometer taking the temperature of things that have been sitting in the sun all day. Here's the video.

OMG!!!! Talk about fear mongering. The "global warming" crowd must be getting ready to go on the attack again. Uh, the temperature of those seats in the sun all day would be over 120° if it were in the 80's you jackass!!! NEWSFLASH!! The sun is hot. Being directly in it all day will make it hot. It's just so stupid how they try to hype this up. And the worst part....there are very few high temperature records even being broken!!!

Click on the map below. It will take you a page that looks just like that map. There, you can interact with it by clicking your mouse on the date line at the top of the map. It shows high temperature records that have been broken since April. Be sure to keep an eye on the upper and central plains, the midwest, etc, where the heat wave has supposedly devastated recently.

Did you notice that there weren't very many heat records being broken in that area? Almost none since about June 10th. Yet the media would have you believe the gates of hell have opened up and swallowed much of the country. Or that the sun itself, has collided with earth and landed in Chicago, IL.

The temperature in Houston, TX has been 94° or higher for 55 of the last 59 days, since May 24th. And that's along with our lovely humidity. And it's likely to stay that way through the 1st part of September, or about 2 more months.

Hey media, you suck!!

FASHION DISASTER

I don't know how many reading this have ever been to a fashion show, but I'm sure almost everyone has seen it on TV or the wide world web. You know what I'm talking about, the skeletons with skin skinny, string bean models walking down the runway showing off these exotic designer clothes. A lot of times it's some ridiculous outfit that you never ever see in public and you wonder 1) why would anyone even think of designing it and 2) who the hell is going to wear it? I mean, I've never ever seen an actual person live, in anything close to what some of these fashion designers are making. Of course, I hang out at Wal-Mart a lot so that may explain a little.

Other than Hollywood actresses on Oscar night, who wears that stuff?

Now I'm all into pretty girls dressing up and showing off pretty clothes. Seeing anorexic girls showing off these wild fashion designs I've never seen anyone wear....ever, not so much! I'll just change the channel and watch some sports. And wouldn't you know it, the sports world can get their bad fashion on too. And Houston sports teams usually rank pretty high on lists dealing with not-so-fashionable fashion.
It started with the Astros in the 70's.

Having grown up watching the team play in those unis, I kinda like them. They've even made sort of a comeback and you'll see a lot of people wearing these jerseys at Astros games. But talk to anyone not from these parts and these unis are usually the first ones people think of when talking about bad uniforms. If that's not bad enough though, the Houston Rockets gave us this little gem in the late 90's.

Better known as pajamas, these doozies featured a spaceship, or rocket, with teeth.

So Houston has had it's share of teams with bad uniforms, but I don't think any city has had such a bad run of bad uniforms than Chicago, particularly, the Chicago White Sox.

Not just a string of bad uniforms, they can't even decide on a color scheme. But as bad as those are, nothing beats these:

The fanned out disco collar and SHORTS??!!!! Yes, they really played professional baseball in these things.

And Chicago is not done. The Bears might have some say in this.

Got ketchup? Houston is back in the mix. Here's the Texans answer.

But the Philadelphia Phillies did it first.

Don't like ketchup, how about some San Diego Padres brown mustard?

If all of that ketchup and mustard doesn't have you puking green, maybe the Seattle Seahawks will.

The Baltimore Orioles know orange.

This soccer team doesn't quite have orange down, no matter what the jersey says.

All I can say here is, "ARRRRRR Matey!"

This is not a chorus line, this is the Denver Broncos.

It wasn't much better back in the roaring 20's either. The Frankford Yellow Jackets (who morphed into the Philadelphia Eagles) gave folks this:

How 'bout some hockey, eh? Canada's fashion doesn't get much better.
The Vancouver Canucks.

And the Montreal Canadiens sported these threads.

Had to be owned by an optometrist at the time, right? He must have made a killing off of hockey fans. "Yes, I'll have nachos, a beer, a bag of peanuts, and I'll take a stronger eyeglasses prescription. Thanks."

As bad as all of those uniforms are, there is one that is so shockingly ugly that I really don't want to desecrate my blog with it, but I feel I must so that you will know. Be warned though. This is bad, bad, bad!!!

Titans blow!!!

Must be getting close to football season!