TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT

We've all had jobs we've hated, and maybe some still do have jobs they hate. Whether it's a dickhead of a boss, the work is repetitive, monotonous, too hard, bad benefits or no benefits, it's a dead end job, the pay is bad, the commute is horrific, whatever the case may be, we all can get some serious complaining on when it comes to our jobs. In fact, there aren't too many people I've ever come across in my time that really love what they do for a living.

After a recent rectal exam I got to thinking about that doctor's job and him having to do that. I mean, I'd bet it's bad enough having to deal with snot-nosed kids, and adults, sick patients coughing and wheezing and so on all day, what exactly is the worst part of that doctor's job? What does he complain about?
"I had to stick my finger up this huge ass today"
My job isn't that bad, right? Is your job?

Next time you find yourself complaining about your job, stop for a second and thank your lucky chickens that you don't have some of the following jobs or are in some of the following work environments. Well, unless you do have one of these jobs.

Hey Charlie, when are you going on vacation again?

Excuse me, coming through, running late today getting the kids to school, excuse me.

Teacher: And what does your dad do, Jimmy?

Jimmy: My dad crawls up elephant's butts.

Teacher: Jimmy, that's not nice. Go see the principal.

Jimmy: But that's what he does, honest.

Collecting horse semen. Might be a little easier with some horse porn. Mr. Ed Does Dallas?



Nice catch but i think you're going to need a bigger sack.....and a wheelbarrow.

OK, you're the 3rd person this week to do this job. We just need you to hold it steady.

Are you sure the power's off to this wire?

Yeah, that one right there, You're good to go.

Had to do this one again.

Jimmy, how many times have I told you not to crawl up the elephant's butt?

Now give me your hand.

OK, this is really pissing me off!

And finally:

I finally get the promotion to underarms.

BLOODS & CRIPS - RED RIVER STYLE

Are fans of sports teams really just gang members? Rivalries between sports teams can be pretty intense, but the fans of those teams can take it up quite a few notches. And this is a worldwide phenomenon. Around the globe, soccer, or fútbol, as it's known by non-Americans, has some of the most intense rivalries in the world. Manchester United/Arsenal, Barcelona/Real Madrid, Brazil/Argentina....whenever these teams play each other it is watched by millions. And we've all heard about the shenanigans by some of the die-hard fans of some of these teams (and by die-hard I mean drunk, wasted, blitzed out of their minds). Referees have been shot because a fan didn't like a call the ref made. It's brutal.

Here in the good ol' U.S. of A. we can get some sports rivalries on too. Yankees/Red Sox is one of the biggest rivalries we have, but for the most part, football rules the world here in America. Particularly, college football. So much so that some of these rivalries are referred to as "wars" - The Civil War, Oregon/Oregon St. - The Border War, Kansas/Missouri - The Holy War, Brigham Young/Utah.

There's one college football rivalry that is picking up steam in a hurry to being one of the biggest and unfortunately, bloodiest rivalries in the world.

THE RED RIVER SHOOTOUT

This is the annual football game between the University of Texas and Oklahoma University. This rivalry started in 1900, before Oklahoma was a state. Since 1929, these 2 schools have met each other every single year, at a neutral site (Dallas). This year's game on October 8, will be the 106th time they've played each other.

The games are pretty intense by themselves as one or both schools are usually very highly ranked when they play. As mentioned though, fans can take it to another level. Playing at a neutral site, one team's fans fill up half the stadium and the other team's fans fill up the other half. Unfortunately, they have to meet somewhere and yucky UT fan might actually have to touch yucky OU fan.

Now here's where the touchy, touchy gets a little out of control. Keep in mind that the college football season hasn't even started yet. A couple of weeks ago, in an Applebee's restaurant in San Antonio, an OU fan and a UT fan got into an argument about their respective teams. The OU fan followed the UT fan into the foyer of the restaurant, where they continued arguing, and of course, a knife fight breaks out. The UT fan suffered stab wounds to the wrist, while the OU fan had stab wounds on his stomach and arms. Really? My team's better and I'll stab you to prove it?

At least that is not as bad as what happened about 4 years ago between fans of these 2 schools. My stomach is already feeling a little queasy knowing what I have to type. In 2007, a UT fan wandered into Henry Hudson's Pub in Oklahoma City, wearing his UT shirt. Well, OU fan, Michael Beckett, thought that was a little too "ballsy" from this fan of a hated rival, and he wasn't about to have any of it. From the moment UT fan, Brian Thomas, walked into the pub, Beckett was giving him the business. Thomas tried to ignore the man, but he was screaming at him. After about 20 minutes of the abuse, Thomas decided to pay his tab and leave. When he turned around, Beckett grabbed Thomas by the scrotum and wouldn't let go. Thomas tried punching the guy, but that's kind of hard to do when he's got your 2 worlds in his hands. Thomas said felt his scrotum tear and then blood started running down his leg. It took 60 stitches to repair the tear.

I get rivalries. There are teams I hate with a passion, and team's fans I can't stand even more. But come on man, this isn't Bloods vs. Crips, this is a freaking kid's game. Rip a man's scrotum off? What happened to a good ol' kick in the manjigglies?

I think I'm going to be sick.

A MAYOR WALKS INTO A BAR...

Here's a little tale out of Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Sheboygan. Already near the top of the list of my all-time favorite names for a town.

The mayor of Sheboygan, Bob Ryan, got himself into a little....um....trouble recently. No, he didn't misappropriate the city's funds or anything like that, but he did go on a weekend bender where he got into a fight and passed out in a bar.

Mayor Ryan, an alcoholic, and admits it, is now facing the wrath of the Sheboygan city council, who is asking that he resign his post as mayor. Ryan, very apologetic of his actions, says he has no intentions of stepping down. He says that though he has a drinking problem, it has never affected his job performance. He claims he has never conducted city business under the influence, and says that he has never eyeballed vodka. OK, he didn't really say that last part. I'm getting my blogs intertwined.

So does Mr. Mayor really need to lose a job because of a few drinks he had off the Sheboygan clock? If everyone lost their job over a bad weekend, doing something stupid, nobody would be working any more. Getting real tired of society playing the "he needs to be fired" card for every little thing. I mean, we're talking beer land Wisconsin where 79% of the electorate are the barfly crowd. OK, starting a fight and passing out in a bar may not be so little but I can see how some of that probably went down.

Customer: Excuse me sir, you're sitting in my seat.
Mayor: Hey, do you know who I am? I'm the Mayor!
Customer: I don't care if you the queen of England. I got up to use the restroom and you're sitting in my seat, freaking out my girlfriend.
Mayor: Hey baby, I'm the Mayor.
Customer: OK, that's it buddy. I don't care if I did vote for you, I'm kicking your ass.

Hey, politics can drive you to drinking. Especially if you're a politician trying to do things the right way.

Hahahahahaha!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face. Politician, right way? Like that exists.

Still though, an admitted alcoholic, who is and has been seeking help, had himself a rough weekend. It's not the end of the world. At least he didn't hop into an armoured personnel carrier and start mowing down citizen's cars that were illegally parked.

Yeah, that happened. Mayor Arturas Zuokas of Vilnius, Lithuania, responded to residents complaining about luxury car owners parking in bicycle lanes, so in a publicity stunt to show the public that the problem is being addressed, he rolls his tank over a Mercedes-Benz S-Class.

Or you could have Mayor Martin Resendiz of Sunland Park, New Mexico who signed NINE contracts with a California company, while he was drunk. "The day I signed, I had way too much to drink. It was after 5 p.m. and I signed it (the contracts) and I didn't know what I was signing," says Mayor Resendiz. "My sister had to pick me up." OK, see, now we have a problem where this guy just might have to lose his job and this guy is not being asked to step down. In fact, Mayor Resendiz is planning to run for the U.S. House. Despite the California company who is now suing because the city isn't paying because they say the contracts are not valid since City Council didn't approve them, no one seems to be asking for Resendiz to resign his post.

Hmmm, Ryan - Republican, Resendiz - Democrat.....just sayin'.
Arturas Zuokas - out of his freaking mind, but I've got to get me one of those tanks.

SNORE POLICE

The Crowne Plaza hotel chain has decided to take the bull by the horns in the ever increasing fight against.....




......SNORING.

This hotel chain will have certain floors of their hotels dedicated to solving the problem light sleepers have with people who snore. These floors will be deemed, "quiet zones" with some rooms designed to be "snore absorption" rooms. These rooms will be equipped with sound proofing on the walls and headboard, with anti-snoring pillows and white noise machines.

Anti-snoring pillows? You mean pillows that knee you in the back to get you to turn over so you stop snoring? Cool!!

And if that doesn't do the trick, "snore patrols" will be roaming the halls listening for excessive snorers. Their job will be to listen for loud snoring, and knock on the door to get you to quit snoring.
OK, gotcha!

"Well, the snoring really wasn't bothering me, it was the "snore patrol" guys banging on doors trying to get people to stop snoring that kept me up all night."

Snore Patrol: "BANG, BANG, BANG!!! Wake up sir!! Wake up and open the door!! BANG, BANG, BANG!!"
Guest (half asleep): "What's the matter? Is there a fire?"
Snore Patrol: "No sir, no fire. You were snoring too loud.
Everyone, go back to bed, the situation is now under control. Nothing to see here."

And who signs up for "snore patrol"? Do you get a badge, a taser, a tranquilizer gun?

This week on "Snore Patrol" the team has the snoring narrowed down to the 5th floor and they're closing in. Using a stethoscope they determine room 517 is where the dangerous snorer lies. Locked and loaded and with no time to call in housekeeping for the room key, they use the battering ram to bust in and subdue the man they refer to as "The Snore Bandit".

Yeah, I've stayed in a few hotels/motels in my time, some pretty thin-walled places, and I've never had a problem with someone across the hall keeping me up by snoring. Squeaking bed, headboard banging against the wall, sounds like a woman screaming? Yeah. But never snoring.