A MOUTHFUL

From the time we were infants we were always being told not to put things in our mouths. It seems some of us never quite learned that lesson.

Squid ejaculates into woman's mouth.

Apparently while the woman was dining on this partially cooked Korean delicacy, Mr. Cephalopod, despite his predicament, was still able to manage to blow one last...umm....wad, into this woman's mouth.

OK, first of all, never mind that thing never getting near my mouth, I don't want it in the same area code I'm eating in.

Secondly, I don't know about Korean delicacies, but that looks more like what you'd find on a Klingon Bird of Prey. "waH parHa uSgheb" translated from Klingon, "tastes like chicken". Wash it down with a little Romulan Ale and you're good to go.

With all the interbreeding that science messes with, donkey + horse = mule, honey bees + African bees = killer bees, horse + man = centaur, I mean, we already have fish + woman = mermaid, now we've got horny squid going after a woman. Maybe aliens don't really exist except for the ones we're creating right here on earth.

I'm talking about the squid baby, not Will Smith.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

We need you Tallahassee!!!!
That, of course, is a snapshot of Woody Harrelson playing the role of Tallahassee, zombie killer, in the movie Zombieland.

2 pm, NE 13th Street, Miami, Florida, police officer shoots a man and kills him. The man shot was naked so he didn't have any place to conceal a weapon.....unless you consider teeth to be a weapon. No, this is not a case of police brutality. According to the Miami Herald report, when the officer arrived on the scene, the naked man was attacking another man. Sounds like a typical assault so far, except for the fact that the naked man was eating the victim's face!!!!

And so begins the Zombie Apocalypse.

Rule #1 - Cardio! Don't be so out of shape that you get caught on the streets of Miami with a face-eating zombie.

The police officer yelled for the man to stop and when he didn't, the officer shot him. The attacker failed to stop forcing the officer to fire several more times, thus following Rule #2 - Double Tap. When it comes to zombies, don't be getting all stingy with your bullets. It could keep you from becoming a human happy meal.

The victim was transported to the hospital with critical injuries. I hope they're keeping him in a very secured area because we all know what happens when you've been bitten by a zombie.

The incident occurred as thousands were gathering to attend the Urban Beach Week festival on South Beach causing a traffic nightmare in the area. All of these people were of course, just trying to take advantage of Rule #32 - Enjoy the Little Things.

I don't know about you but I could sure go for a Twinkie right about now.

"Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the f**king Twinkies?"
"Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?"

THE REVIEWS ARE IN

In this day and age, if you want to know about something before you buy it, whether it be some product or restaurant, or auto mechanic, etc, you go online and read reviews of what others who have already bought or used it have to say about it. Especially when you are buying something online, as customer reviews are readily available for the product you are looking at. The bad news is, even with people commenting on these products and/or services, you have to understand the world out there. People are.....people. Some reviews just might be from employees giving it a glowing review to help push the product, some might be from the competition dissing the product and some might be from actual customers who have legitimately and honestly given their take on it. You still have to use a little common sense in the matter.

Then there are products available out there that make you wonder what kind of person is looking that up in the first place. And you can only imagine the reviews these things get. Here's a few products on Amazon.com, the world's largest online retailer and some very interesting reviews to go with them.



Product: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme

Review: Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS!!

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

 

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Product: Fresh Whole Rabbit

Review: I ordered one of these Fresh “Whole” Rabbits, but when it arrived its head, fur and insides were missing. Not exactly whole, I’d say! Maybe it was just damaged during shipping, but I won’t be buying another one. I mean – without the long ears, how do I know it even WAS a rabbit? It was the same size and shape as a cat…not that I’ve seen a cat with its head, fur and insides missing. I mean, not like really close or anything.

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Product: Canned Unicorn Meat

Review: Delicious!! Of course this isn't as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days?

I'm a busy professional so I don't have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh 'corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights.

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Product: UFO Detector

Review: I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha

Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don't exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn't mind helping our fUtUre overlords!

Do not bUy this prodUct.

TEBOWMANIACS

One of the strangest phenomenons over the past few years here in the good ol US of A, is the fascination of one Tim Tebow. A University of Florida standout and Heisman trophy winner in his college career, Tebow has been mediocre at best since joining the National Football League, yet if you ever watch ESPN, you'd think Tebow was Otto Graham, Johnny U, Joe Montana and Peyton Manning all rolled up into one super human mega-duper quarterback. Unfortunately, he's not even an average QB so far in his very young career, much less Hall of Fame material, yet the fascination continues. And not just in Florida (where he went to school), or Denver (where he played his rookie season) or the Big Apple (where he's currently employed).

The Tebow-pandemic has even gripped the small town of Kingsley, Iowa. High school senior, Rachel Bird, sent a Tweet inviting Tebow to her prom....as her date. As you can expect, with Tebow likely having a million or more followers on Twitter, there was no response to Rachel's tweet. Mildly disappointed, Rachel was facing going to the prom with no date, so she decided that she wasn't letting Tebow get out of this prom date.....sorta. She came up with an idea to take a life sized cardboard cutout of Tim Tebow to her high school prom as her date.

Rachel's father, Bob Bird, helped her make this life-sized cutout. And why not? He didn't have to worry about some punk kid being out with his daughter. Of course there's that being out in public with a cardboard cutout as your date thing, but what the hell? Dad even splashed a little cologne on Thin Tebow.

Friends, and I use that term loosely, encouraged her to do it. Of course they did. How hilarious is that going to be? I can't believe I can't find the YouTube videos of it. What, no camera phones there in Iowa? Really, these people are your friends? I think I'm starting to understand why she chose to go to the prom  with cardboard.

I figure one of two things is going on here. 1) What does it say about the guys at Kingsley-Pierson High School that an attractive high school senior would choose to go to the prom with a cardboard cut-out instead of them? Come on guys! I know it's Iowa and you're all probably into bailing hay and milking stuff, but you got beat out by cardboard!

That said, my 1976 Farrah Fawcett poster is still the best girlfriend I ever had.

2) The girl does look nice, so what gives?
Likely answer: Totally. Freaking. Psycho. Bitch.

As it turns out, dad did have something to worry about. Never thought he'd be a grandpa so soon.