THE REVIEWS ARE IN

In this day and age, if you want to know about something before you buy it, whether it be some product or restaurant, or auto mechanic, etc, you go online and read reviews of what others who have already bought or used it have to say about it. Especially when you are buying something online, as customer reviews are readily available for the product you are looking at. The bad news is, even with people commenting on these products and/or services, you have to understand the world out there. People are.....people. Some reviews just might be from employees giving it a glowing review to help push the product, some might be from the competition dissing the product and some might be from actual customers who have legitimately and honestly given their take on it. You still have to use a little common sense in the matter.

Then there are products available out there that make you wonder what kind of person is looking that up in the first place. And you can only imagine the reviews these things get. Here's a few products on Amazon.com, the world's largest online retailer and some very interesting reviews to go with them.



Product: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme

Review: Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS!!

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

 

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Product: Fresh Whole Rabbit

Review: I ordered one of these Fresh “Whole” Rabbits, but when it arrived its head, fur and insides were missing. Not exactly whole, I’d say! Maybe it was just damaged during shipping, but I won’t be buying another one. I mean – without the long ears, how do I know it even WAS a rabbit? It was the same size and shape as a cat…not that I’ve seen a cat with its head, fur and insides missing. I mean, not like really close or anything.

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Product: Canned Unicorn Meat

Review: Delicious!! Of course this isn't as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days?

I'm a busy professional so I don't have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh 'corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights.

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Product: UFO Detector

Review: I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha

Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don't exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn't mind helping our fUtUre overlords!

Do not bUy this prodUct.

SNORE POLICE

The Crowne Plaza hotel chain has decided to take the bull by the horns in the ever increasing fight against.....




......SNORING.

This hotel chain will have certain floors of their hotels dedicated to solving the problem light sleepers have with people who snore. These floors will be deemed, "quiet zones" with some rooms designed to be "snore absorption" rooms. These rooms will be equipped with sound proofing on the walls and headboard, with anti-snoring pillows and white noise machines.

Anti-snoring pillows? You mean pillows that knee you in the back to get you to turn over so you stop snoring? Cool!!

And if that doesn't do the trick, "snore patrols" will be roaming the halls listening for excessive snorers. Their job will be to listen for loud snoring, and knock on the door to get you to quit snoring.
OK, gotcha!

"Well, the snoring really wasn't bothering me, it was the "snore patrol" guys banging on doors trying to get people to stop snoring that kept me up all night."

Snore Patrol: "BANG, BANG, BANG!!! Wake up sir!! Wake up and open the door!! BANG, BANG, BANG!!"
Guest (half asleep): "What's the matter? Is there a fire?"
Snore Patrol: "No sir, no fire. You were snoring too loud.
Everyone, go back to bed, the situation is now under control. Nothing to see here."

And who signs up for "snore patrol"? Do you get a badge, a taser, a tranquilizer gun?

This week on "Snore Patrol" the team has the snoring narrowed down to the 5th floor and they're closing in. Using a stethoscope they determine room 517 is where the dangerous snorer lies. Locked and loaded and with no time to call in housekeeping for the room key, they use the battering ram to bust in and subdue the man they refer to as "The Snore Bandit".

Yeah, I've stayed in a few hotels/motels in my time, some pretty thin-walled places, and I've never had a problem with someone across the hall keeping me up by snoring. Squeaking bed, headboard banging against the wall, sounds like a woman screaming? Yeah. But never snoring.

SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign,
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind,
Do this, don't do that,
Can't you read the sign....

I think just about everyone has heard that song before. Written by the Five Man Electrical Band in 1970 and climbing to #3 on the Billboard charts, "Signs" is about intolerance and exclusion with signs going up all around telling people what they can and can't do, what's acceptable in this establishment and what is not, where you can go and where you can't. Written in an era of social and political change, the song (40 years later) still fits in with today's hustle and bustle world.

Today, signs are more prevalent than ever with billboards littering major thoroughfares, signs warning you of street construction, lane changes, where to turn, and where to stop. All kinds of businesses put their signs up, trying to draw in as many customers as they can. 40 years after that song was written, there's still signs telling people what to do and where to go.

Unfortunately, even the signs sometimes get a little confused.

Then there's signs that could really use some education or at least a decent spellchecker.

Maybe if signs could think.

There's signs that warn you of the dangers this world has to offer.

How about a sign that tells your fortune?

Crap!! I guess I better not move to that street.

Restaurants aren't opposed to signs either.

There's signs that are probably a good idea.

You may be laughing at some of this, but drowning is not a laughing matter.....even if the sign says to.

Signs need some time off too.

Yes, we have no bananas, but we do have;

Not into fruit? How about......

Or you could always just read a book.

And don't think the police won't use a sign.

Of course, to help pay for a new toilet they're going to have to find a way to generate some cash.

"Do you know why I pulled you over? I clocked you doing 10¼ in a 9½ zone. Driver's license and registration."

Probably not the best ad a furniture store has come up with...

How about a little innuendo?

And finally, businesses are always trying to promote their service as being the best.

And the sign said you got to have a membership card to get inside,
UGH!!!