LOOK INTO MY DRANO EYES

Sometimes when I run across these stories I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just sit there and shake my damn head.

Here's a LINK to the story.

There's a 30 year old woman in North Carolina, we'll call her Jewel Shuping, mainly because that's her name. This woman says in her "very touching" video, that she's always dreamed of being blind, well, at least since she was 6 years old when she remembers staring straight into the sun. And, of course, we've had someone already using their disorder app to give her "condition" a name. It's called "body integrity identity disorder" or BIID.

BIID is a "disease" that causes abled-bodied people to strongly desire a disability. In fact, this woman, Jewel Shuping, felt so strongly about being blind that she had drain cleaner poured into her eyes to get the job done.

If that's not bad enough, she didn't do the actual pouring of the Drano into her peepers. Apparently this woman found a willing PSYCHOLOGIST to drop the Liquid Plumber into her eyeballs.

Now, I've gotten into the calling every little itch you have some kind of disorder before so I won't delve too much into that, but to to call this a disease? Yes, it very much is a disease and the disease is called insanity!!

It's not a damn disease, there's something wrong with these people's brains!!! Their wiring is messed up, too many drugs (probably taken for their bullshit disorder), hit in the head with a shovel, something! How 'bout we concentrate on and fix that instead of this lazy ass crap we do now - calling it some made up disorder and writing a prescription. Well, we do that because Big Pharma rules the planet, also something I've probably covered before.

Then there's the psychologist. This is a person that has a doctorate degree. This is a person who is supposed to have a well functioning brain in their skull, who decides to go ahead and adhere to this crazy woman's wishes and do the deed him/herself, then drive her to the hospital where they try to save her sight. WTF?? This psycho psychologist not only needs to have his/her license stripped, not only needs to serve jail time, but needs to at least have one eye carved out with a butter knife.

There's some messed up people on this planet and as long as Big Pharma has mega-billions of dollars to make selling drugs, there will always be messed up people on this planet with a list of disorders that would reach from this planet to Pluto and back.

I have a strong, deep-seeded desire to be rich and not have to work, so my robbing of banks isn't really a crime at all. No, it's a disease. For you see, I have MBALD (moderate bank account level disorder). Now if I can just find an idiot with a doctor's degree to back me.....

TEBOWMANIACS

One of the strangest phenomenons over the past few years here in the good ol US of A, is the fascination of one Tim Tebow. A University of Florida standout and Heisman trophy winner in his college career, Tebow has been mediocre at best since joining the National Football League, yet if you ever watch ESPN, you'd think Tebow was Otto Graham, Johnny U, Joe Montana and Peyton Manning all rolled up into one super human mega-duper quarterback. Unfortunately, he's not even an average QB so far in his very young career, much less Hall of Fame material, yet the fascination continues. And not just in Florida (where he went to school), or Denver (where he played his rookie season) or the Big Apple (where he's currently employed).

The Tebow-pandemic has even gripped the small town of Kingsley, Iowa. High school senior, Rachel Bird, sent a Tweet inviting Tebow to her prom....as her date. As you can expect, with Tebow likely having a million or more followers on Twitter, there was no response to Rachel's tweet. Mildly disappointed, Rachel was facing going to the prom with no date, so she decided that she wasn't letting Tebow get out of this prom date.....sorta. She came up with an idea to take a life sized cardboard cutout of Tim Tebow to her high school prom as her date.

Rachel's father, Bob Bird, helped her make this life-sized cutout. And why not? He didn't have to worry about some punk kid being out with his daughter. Of course there's that being out in public with a cardboard cutout as your date thing, but what the hell? Dad even splashed a little cologne on Thin Tebow.

Friends, and I use that term loosely, encouraged her to do it. Of course they did. How hilarious is that going to be? I can't believe I can't find the YouTube videos of it. What, no camera phones there in Iowa? Really, these people are your friends? I think I'm starting to understand why she chose to go to the prom  with cardboard.

I figure one of two things is going on here. 1) What does it say about the guys at Kingsley-Pierson High School that an attractive high school senior would choose to go to the prom with a cardboard cut-out instead of them? Come on guys! I know it's Iowa and you're all probably into bailing hay and milking stuff, but you got beat out by cardboard!

That said, my 1976 Farrah Fawcett poster is still the best girlfriend I ever had.

2) The girl does look nice, so what gives?
Likely answer: Totally. Freaking. Psycho. Bitch.

As it turns out, dad did have something to worry about. Never thought he'd be a grandpa so soon.

CUSTOMER NEEDS ASSISTANCE IN THE METH DEPARTMENT

The Christmas shopping frenzy is upon us and in full swing. We've survived another Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday in search of those super bargains, and as the big day approaches the 2 week mark, the mall parking lots are near capacity as the procrastinators get around to finally getting in the mix while everyone else is getting some last minute shopping done.

And I think it's safe to say that if the parking lot at Sears is at 50%, then you can almost bet the barn that a store like Wal-Mart is at about 140% capacity. Of course Wal-Mart doesn't really need the Christmas season to pack the place, it can be like that in May or June as well, seeing how Wal-Mart is the place you can get it all at "rollback" prices.

Rolling back prices on HDTV's, video games, DVD's, digital cameras, auto parts, cleaning supplies, clothes, medicine, shampoo, jewelry, toys, sporting goods, housewares, kitchenwares, gardening, grilling and in the case of a Tulsa, Oklahoma Wal-Mart...even crystal meth.

Woman makes meth inside Wal-Mart

A 45 year old woman in Tulsa, Elizabeth Alisha Greta Halfmoon ('cause 3 names isn't enough), was arrested for mixing chemicals to make meth.....INSIDE THE FREAKING STORE!!!!! Apparently (and I'm just going on my own assumption here), she ran out of meth money from buying a bunch of crack, and was too broke to buy the chemicals to make the meth. So, in a methheads infinite wisdom, she decides to mix up the magic potion in just one bottle, in the store, and just buy that one bottle. You know, instead of having to buy all the separate bottles of stuff, which can get pretty costly even at Wally World.

For 6 hours she was in the store, flipping through the $5 movie bin, waiting for her meth to be done. I guess. When security cameras caught the woman acting suspicious, they called the cops in and they busted her. Or it might have been when somebody noticed and reported all the smoke coming from her shopping cart. Or it might have been when she was setting up a meth display between the Lays Potato Chips (on sale 2 for $5) and the Dr. Pepper display ($4.99 a case). Not sure on the details.

Six hours in a store, a busy store, whipping up a batch of meth. Wow!! I guess the guy growing his own marijuana back in Lawn & Gardening was glad she was taking all of the attention away from him. Paranoid, but glad.

BLOODS & CRIPS - RED RIVER STYLE

Are fans of sports teams really just gang members? Rivalries between sports teams can be pretty intense, but the fans of those teams can take it up quite a few notches. And this is a worldwide phenomenon. Around the globe, soccer, or fútbol, as it's known by non-Americans, has some of the most intense rivalries in the world. Manchester United/Arsenal, Barcelona/Real Madrid, Brazil/Argentina....whenever these teams play each other it is watched by millions. And we've all heard about the shenanigans by some of the die-hard fans of some of these teams (and by die-hard I mean drunk, wasted, blitzed out of their minds). Referees have been shot because a fan didn't like a call the ref made. It's brutal.

Here in the good ol' U.S. of A. we can get some sports rivalries on too. Yankees/Red Sox is one of the biggest rivalries we have, but for the most part, football rules the world here in America. Particularly, college football. So much so that some of these rivalries are referred to as "wars" - The Civil War, Oregon/Oregon St. - The Border War, Kansas/Missouri - The Holy War, Brigham Young/Utah.

There's one college football rivalry that is picking up steam in a hurry to being one of the biggest and unfortunately, bloodiest rivalries in the world.

THE RED RIVER SHOOTOUT

This is the annual football game between the University of Texas and Oklahoma University. This rivalry started in 1900, before Oklahoma was a state. Since 1929, these 2 schools have met each other every single year, at a neutral site (Dallas). This year's game on October 8, will be the 106th time they've played each other.

The games are pretty intense by themselves as one or both schools are usually very highly ranked when they play. As mentioned though, fans can take it to another level. Playing at a neutral site, one team's fans fill up half the stadium and the other team's fans fill up the other half. Unfortunately, they have to meet somewhere and yucky UT fan might actually have to touch yucky OU fan.

Now here's where the touchy, touchy gets a little out of control. Keep in mind that the college football season hasn't even started yet. A couple of weeks ago, in an Applebee's restaurant in San Antonio, an OU fan and a UT fan got into an argument about their respective teams. The OU fan followed the UT fan into the foyer of the restaurant, where they continued arguing, and of course, a knife fight breaks out. The UT fan suffered stab wounds to the wrist, while the OU fan had stab wounds on his stomach and arms. Really? My team's better and I'll stab you to prove it?

At least that is not as bad as what happened about 4 years ago between fans of these 2 schools. My stomach is already feeling a little queasy knowing what I have to type. In 2007, a UT fan wandered into Henry Hudson's Pub in Oklahoma City, wearing his UT shirt. Well, OU fan, Michael Beckett, thought that was a little too "ballsy" from this fan of a hated rival, and he wasn't about to have any of it. From the moment UT fan, Brian Thomas, walked into the pub, Beckett was giving him the business. Thomas tried to ignore the man, but he was screaming at him. After about 20 minutes of the abuse, Thomas decided to pay his tab and leave. When he turned around, Beckett grabbed Thomas by the scrotum and wouldn't let go. Thomas tried punching the guy, but that's kind of hard to do when he's got your 2 worlds in his hands. Thomas said felt his scrotum tear and then blood started running down his leg. It took 60 stitches to repair the tear.

I get rivalries. There are teams I hate with a passion, and team's fans I can't stand even more. But come on man, this isn't Bloods vs. Crips, this is a freaking kid's game. Rip a man's scrotum off? What happened to a good ol' kick in the manjigglies?

I think I'm going to be sick.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY VODKA?

Proof that evolution (if you believe in that) has run it's course and if anything, is beginning a serious regression.

This is called "eyeballing vodka". A very disturbing trend that seems to be sweeping college campuses. Those who do this (pour shots of vodka into their eyeball) say it gets you drunk faster, almost instantly. They believe that by pouring the vodka into your eye, the alcohol gets into your system much faster, giving you a much quicker high.

And I thought I had a drinking problem. These people are totally missing their mouths.

Science says it doesn't make you drunk faster, if at all. Experts point out that very little alcohol can be absorbed into your system through the eye. So the people who do this thinking it makes you drunk faster are....you guessed it....already blitzed out of their skull.

Oh, and they're idiots.

Plus it freaking hurts. Eyeballing vodka is like pouring bleach into your eye. Pouring 40% alcohol into your eye damages the epithelium, which is a delicate layer of skin cells covering the eye, which helps protect the eye from infection and scarring that could lead to loss of sight.

Beer bongs, shotgunning a beer, all ways to get buzzing pretty quickly, but all in the conventional way (over the lips and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes) and all that actually get alcohol into your system. Who comes up with the idea of drinking through your eye? Especially with the pain involved. And if that guy isn't bad enough, how about all the people that follow suit? What's next, smoking crack through your ear? A crystal meth enema?

Right! Eating with your eyes. I see that's been done. Need to eyeball some vodka to wash that down?

Oh well, I guess if you're going to get drunk by drinking through your eyeballs, like everything in life, you want to do it in moderation. You don't want to do too much and end up like this guy.

PLANK GOODNESS

When I was a kid, before the age of video games (hey, it wasn't that long ago), you had to go outside and play. Stay in the house all day? Nope, not gonna happen. So to pass the time on those long, hot, summer days, we had to get creative and come up with things to do.

We would play a lot of sports for the most part, football, basketball, kickball and the like, but we made some up too. Some games weren't really sports but still involved a ball, like "Hit the Man in the Tree". This is a game where everyone would climb up into this big tree and someone was left on the ground. That person would have a tennis ball and had to try to hit someone in the tree. When you did, you got to climb the tree and the person hit would have to climb down and try to hit someone in the tree. There was no winner really. And you'd think it would be better to be the guy safely on the ground throwing at people in a tree. But no, the object was to nail someone and get into the tree to get thrown at.

This game was such a hit to us that sometimes we didn't need a tree. We also came up with "Hit the Man on the Trampoline" and "Hit the Man in the Ditch". Never got around to "Hit the Man on the Roof" for some reason, though you'd think it couldn't be much worse than a tree. Anyway, pretty silly, looking back, but hey, we were kids. We were outside getting plenty of exercise.

These days, people are coming up with some really, really strange stuff. I guess it's good that people are getting outside and doing something as opposed to being parked inside playing Wii or Xbox all day, but then again, are they really doing anything?

I present to you "PLANKING".

Planking is when someone lies down flat, with arms to their side, to mimic a wooden plank. The term "planking" was coined in Australia earlier this year, but the "game's" origins can be traced back to England in 1997, where it was called the "lying down game". This "game" slowly started spreading around the world. In 2003 it hit South Korea. They called it "playing dead". It was "à plat ventre" (on one's belly), in France in 2004. When it got to America last year, it was called "facedowns".

The purpose of it seems to be to just "plank" anywhere you can, have someone take a picture of it, then post it on the world wide 'net. And because of the internet, people, of course, are want to do it in the most unusual places.

At the supermarket for example.

In the supermarket.

Don't let the ol' 9 to 5 stop you from planking.

A single plank not good enough? How 'bout the triple decker?

There's zoo planking.

Gangsta planking.

Would you like fries with that plank?

The 7th inning plank.

A planking convoy.

OK, I don't think this is planking, I think she's just stanking drunk.

They've even got pets planking.

Is "planking" the best people can come up with? And is this really sweeping the planet like it is? What's next, standing straight up and calling it "Poling"? Leaning everywhere you go and calling it "Tower of Pisa"?

You know what? I'm someone who always tries to live by "don't knock it until you try it", so here it goes.

Fence planking.

CHEATERS MEETS DATELINE

Q: What's one of the sickest shows ever on TV?
A: Dateline's "To Catch a Predator"

And by sick I mean disgusting. Not disgusting in that the show itself is bad as far as the production of it is concerned, but disgusting in the content. All the perverts who end up on this show. Dozens of shows spanning 4 years.

If you're not familiar with the show, they use hidden cameras to catch men allegedly attempting to hook up with underage girls, sometimes boys. The pervert arranges to meet these underage kids, usually through the internet, these pervs actually show up, then the host of the show, Chris Hansen, comes out from behind the curtains or bushes or whatever, with cameras rolling, to ask these pedophile maggots what the @&$% they're doing.

So if there's anybody that should know all the tricks of the hidden camera game, it ought to be Chris Hansen, right? Well....maybe not. The cameras seem to have been turned on Hansen suggesting that he may be cheating on his wife. The National Enquirer says they have videotaped Hansen arriving at a restaurant with 30 year old Kristyn Caddell. Hansen is 52, married with 2 sons.

The Enquirer goes on to say the two had a romantic dinner, were filmed driving back to Caddell's apartment where they didn't emerge until 8 the next morning. Caddell then drove him to the airport.

Now keep in mind, this is the National Enquirer reporting. No word on if any space aliens were involved, or if Bill Gates actually has computer chips implanted throughout his body.

Now before all you pedophiles start jumping for joy that karma is coming back on Mr. Hansen, keep in mind that the WOMAN he was with (allegedly) is 30 YEARS OLD!

And looks like this:

So you still lose, maggots!

As of this writing, it is unclear if the TV show "Cheaters" has any future episodes involving Mr. Hansen and/or his wife.

HOLD MY GUN WHILE I UPDATE MY STATUS

Here's the story.

So this dude has a woman hostage in a hotel room, a 16 hour standoff with SWAT, shoots himself in the chest, all while keeping his Facebook status up to date, liking comments, posting pics and confirming friends. Talk about multi-tasking.

First of all, isn't that something you'd do on Twitter? What the hell is the matter with this guy? Twitter is supposed to be the second by second update outlet, not Facebook. That's why Twitter limits you to 140 characters. Hit it quick, get out. In and out. Of course that takes on a whole new meaning if it's Brett Farve or Tony Weiner doing the "tweeting".

Jason Valdez
"Good morning FB friends. Woke up this morning with SWT outside my door"

Jason Valdez
"SWAT"

Jason Valdez is now friends with 8 people

Jason Valdez has changed his profile picture

Jason Valdez
"Did I mention I was holding a woman hostage?"

And then there's the guy replying to Valdez telling him there's a cop in the bushes! Is this guy thinking that the cops aren't on his friends list so they won't see what he's saying?

Technology is just not a good idea for people who are dumber than a bag of hammers.

IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.....CRAP

Man, I might have to start doing 2 or 3 blogs a day just to keep up with the insanity. This one might be a little tough for some to stomach.....literally.

I guess check out the video first;

Here's a link to the story.

I don't know what else to say but holy shit!!
This burger tastes like crap!!!
I can't decide on whether to have the shitkebob or the shittin' fried steak.
I don't know man, the shit sausage....it kinda looks the same.
That really is shit on a shingle.

Ohhhh!!! This is not good. How do they come up with this crap? And to think I was worried about where Jack-in-the-Box taco meat came from.

"Why can't we have steak, dad?"
"Because money doesn't grow on trees, son. I can't just pull a steak out of my ass."
Apparently you could, dad, but thank God you didn't.

I guess you can have your crap and eat it too.

IF IT LOOKS LIKE A WEINER......

Noble surnames, such as Weiner, evoke images of the ancient homeland of the Austrian people. The original bearer of the name Weiner, once lived, held land, or was born in the beautiful Vienna region of Austria.
-from HouseofNames.com

Yeah, OK, I've heard of Vienna sausages, I get it.

*Disclaimer: This is not an attempt to make fun of people from Austria.


Just making fun of Weiner's.

U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner, hereinafter referred to as Tony Weiner, was born in Brooklyn, New York. BROOKLYN!!! Are you getting the picture? Growing up in Brooklyn and your name is Weiner? Growing up anywhere when your name is Weiner should be tough enough, but New York City? This guy has got to be one of the toughest SOB's on the planet with all the fights he must have been in, right?
 
Or he could just be another "Weiner" with ears.


Tony Weiner is of course, the guy, or I guess I should say, latest guy, to go Brett Favre with his.....umm....weiner. He apparently sent a sexually explicit photograph of himself to a 21 year old female who follows him on Twitter. Commonly referred to (sadly, in that it's not just sad that it happens, but happens enough to be common)  as "sexting". Now, I don't have a Twitter account and I think it's safe to say I won't be getting one if this is what it means to "tweet".

Tweet this and tweet that, I taught I taw a puddy tat. Nope, that's just another weiner. What is the deal with taking a picture of one's "junk" and sending it to someone you don't even know? I mean, I get why the perv down the street does it, but people in the public eye? A soon to be Hall of Fame NFL quarterback? A freaking United States CONGRESSMAN???

Now, I like my weiner just as much as anybody else but I'm not so bored that I'm sitting here going, "after I write this blog what am I going to do? Camera phone in one hand......coool! Never seen you like that before. Now, erase......oh wait!!! ERASE NOT SEND!!!! CRAP!!!" I just can't comprehend why that would ever cross anyone's mind, let alone an elected official. Especially with technology like it is, what could possibly go wrong?

And it's not like Tony Weiner just got married less than a year ago......oh wait, he did just get married less than a year ago. What a weiner.

And for the love of Pete, if your name is Weiner, please, please, please don't make your kids grow up with that name. School children can be brutal. So can bloggers. Change your name! Winner, Winter, Farve, anything but Weiner. And if you're not going to change it, then at least do NOT name your kid Oscar. Years later telling his psychiatrist, "I wish I wasn't Oscar Meyer Weiner!"

I was wondering how I was going to work that in there.