THERE'S NO NEED TO FEAR...

...UNDERDOG IS HERE!!!!!!!

Or some other super hero, or a superhero wanna-be.

Crime is rampant in Metropolis and if there's ever been a time when society needs a superhero it's now. The criminals are taking over, the cops are crooked, the DA is on the take, and the citizens are tired of living in fear.

That's what these guys must be telling themselves, right?

I'm talking about the increasing rise in vigilante-like action taken by people who are dressing up as superheroes.

Last year, Kick-Ass, hit the big screen. It was a movie about an ordinary average kid who wondered why there were no real superheroes. So he decided to be one despite no super powers. Having super powers myself, I know that having them is a vital part of being a superhero. Not having them and dressing up as a super hero is called a costume party.

Smelly Underarm Man!!! Err...I mean, Batman, is the latest "crime fighter" to be arrested by police. Dude's name is Mark Wayne. I kid you not. OK, it's actually Mark Wayne Williams, but still. Police in Petosky, Michigan arrested Williams when they found him dangling from a roof in his Caped Crusader gear. "Batman" had on him a baton, some Mace type spray, and had on lead-lined gloves. They booked him for trespassing and carrying dangerous weapons, and the judge ordered him to hang up his mask and cape for 6 months.

First of all, if you're going to be Batman, you're going to need a suit that can breathe. You can't fight crime with that kind of perspiration. Two words Mr. Batman, Secret deodorant. It's made for a woman but strong enough for a superhero.

And let's get with the times. A little more Dark Knight and a little less 'same bat time, same bat channel' 60's.

But at least Mark Wayne picked a superhero we've all heard about. And he doesn't have a boy Robin....that we know about. This next guy though, really did go Kick-Ass and made up his own crime fighter.

No, this is not Racer X's evil twin. They call this man Phoenix Jones. This Hancock wanna-be was arrested by Seattle police for pepper spraying a group of people he thought were fighting. There's even a video of him in action.

Phoenix Jones saves the day!

Phoenix and Batman are just 2 real life dress up like superheroes to make the news recently because they did get arrested, but apparently this real life superhero dress up party is a little more common than one would think. Let me introduce a few.

Angle Grinder Man. This guy roams the streets at night freeing people's cars who've had their cars wheel-clamped.

Captain Ozone is from the year 2039. He was sent to earth to save us from destroying ourselves. He saves endangered species, promotes renewable energy and teaches school children how to become environmental activists. He has to work during the day because the Ozonemobile is solar powered.

Mr. Silent. This guy roams the streets of downtown Indy about once a week doing what he can to help those in distress. When asked what happens if people need help the 6 days he doesn't roam the streets, Mr. Silent had nothing to say.

Super Barrio can be found in Mexico City defending the lower class and has actually become a real folk hero leading protest rallies, filing petitions, and challenging court orders. Super Barrio isn't afraid of a tamale or 12...dozen.

What about the women? They can get their superhero on too. Here's Terrifica. This masked maiden cruises the bars and clubs of New York City by night in an effort to protect drunk chicks from being taken advantage of. Actually, she carries a substance in her utility belt that she gives drunk dudes to counter the effect that everyone's prettier at 2 am. Man, could I have used that a time or two.

I don't really know who this is so I'm just going to assume that he's "The Very, Very Lone Ranger".

And finally, the only "superhero" (besides me) that I have ever seen in real life.

Faster than a clogged artery, more powerful than a locomotive (or at least bigger than one), and able to drink a Miller Lite in a single gulp. It's not a bird, it's not a plane, it's Texan Elvis!!

LEMONADE, THAT COOL REFRESHING DRINK

BULLETIN: Kid criminals are on the rise. It's a phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. Officials claim the criminals they catch are getting younger and younger. And it's not just in the big cities, it's spreading to rural America like a wildfire. We go now to the tiny town of Midway, GA where we have police chief Kelly Morningstar on the scene.

Morningstar: We couldn't believe what we were seeing. We had to take action fast to protect the fine citizens of Midway. A 14 year old girl and a 10 year old girl, TEN, operating a lemonade stand without a permit. We had to shut it down quick.

Well, I'm glad the people of Midway are safe and.........

wait.......

WHAT???!!!!!!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, Midway, Georgia's finest shut down a lemonade stand that 3 young girls were running to make some money to go to a water park, because they were breaking the law by operating their stand without a business and food permit - which will run you $50 a day in Midway.

The police chief says, (and this is a real quote), "We were not aware of how the lemonade was made, who made the lemonade, of what the lemonade was made with, so we acted accordingly by city ordinance."

Holy sour face, Batman! Are you kidding me? It's 3 girls making lemonade in a small podunk town where everybody probably knows everybody. Did CSI have to come out and run tests on the lemonade? I understand SWAT was on standby. Thankfully the little girls didn't have to get some Jack Bauer all up in their faces.

These girls probably should have opened a lemonade/donut stand, and I'd bet they'd be buying season passes to the water park by now. With a police freaking escort every day. And that's without selling a drop of lemonade.

I guess one positive in all of this would be that crime is pretty low in Midway. So low that the police have nothing better to do than to bust up lemonade stand crime rings. They must have been onto these girls from the moment they walked out of the Piggly Wiggly with an unusual amount of lemons and sugar. "Alright boys, I think we're about to bust this case wide open."

Way to go Midway police!! Got to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past you guys.

In other news, local boy tased for mowing grass without a permit.

CANADA BURNING

As the thermometer soars past 100° again here in the largest city in the Gulf Coast Desert, is there anyone up for some ice hockey?

Since the final game of the Stanley Cup championship was last night and since there's likely not a whole lot of folks in these parts that know much about it...or care....I was going to do a blog about the Stanley Cup, about how it started with a dude named Lord Stanley of Preston, about how there isn't a new Stanley Cup trophy made each year, it's the same one, and about how every player's name on a team who has won the Stanley Cup is added onto it for eternity, and all that jazz. Yeah, I was going to do that, but of course, somebody did something stupid.

A quick recap - the game was played in Vancouver. That's in Canada, eh. A team that calls Vancouver home, and who has never won a Stanley Cup in the 40 years of their existence, played a team from Boston, USA. In Canada, hockey is as big as football is here in America, so the Vancouverites?? Vancouveronians?? the citizens of Vancouver were pretty excited about the thought of their team winning their first ever championship and bringing the Stanley Cup back to where every Canadian believes it rightfully belongs - where it all started - Canada.

Well, the Cup stays in America as Boston beat Vancouver, so those crazy Canadians took the loss like any hard working, red blooded Ameri Canadian would - they burn down and loot their city.

Losing hurts. Having followed Houston sports my whole life, I know. And there's nothing in the world better than burning down your city to make you feel better about these millionaire sports guys that you don't know personally and probably never will, losing their poor little game.

"Those American hosers win again, eh"

"That sucks pretty bad, eh"

"Eh, let's steal a 2-4 of Moosehead and burn a cop car, eh"

"Yeah, eh, that'll teach those hosers, eh"

"Eh"

Once again, I just can't comprehend the mentality involved. That said, wouldn't the world be a lot better place if rather than rioting after a championship sporting event, people would get out in the streets and just do this instead........

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Ok, part of the bad news is that I lied about the good news. Here's some headlines from around these parts in just the last couple days or so. If you're looking to be cheered up, I'd go ahead and pass on this blog for now.



Woman stabbed inside Spring home
I'll take the trash out when there's a commercial.

Katy man accused of snatching purse, dragging victim with car
Are seatbelts required when riding on the outside of the vehicle?

Teens Charged in Burned Car Arson Case
You're supposed to PAINT the flames on the car.

Surveillance video shows deadly robbery at Harris County Texaco station
Dang! Used to live pretty close by.

Shots Fired At Family's Home In Spring
I'll huff and puff and shoot your house down.

Good Samaritan shot while trying to stop robbers
Try putting a closed sign on the door next time. "Damn man, we're stuck here. Outside is closed." Hey, there's some pretty dumb crooks out there.

Boy, 3, Drowns In Swimming Pool
This is just sad.

2 Men Shot To Death Inside Night Club
Nothing good happens at midnight....in the 3rd Ward.

Police seek hit-and-run driver who fled scene where officer was killed
"Did you hear that?"
"If it sounded like we hit a motorcycle and dragged it 1,700 feet, no, I didn't hear it."

Couple kidnapped, forced to drive to Louisiana
I'll have a Beefy Burrito Supreme and a ride to Louisiana.

Man Hits Wife, Daughter With Car
Fine, if you're not going to make her clean her room....

There's nothing funny about any of these stories of course, but my God man!! It's a freaking war zone out there. You're not safe at a club, a pool party, a restaurant, a gas station, your car or even inside your own freaking home!!! A stranger, neighbor, FAMILY MEMBER, it doesn't matter!! There's some horrible, horrible human beings on this rock we call earth. Just wish there were a way they were the ones being weeded out instead of those they weed out.