HOLD MY GUN WHILE I UPDATE MY STATUS

Here's the story.

So this dude has a woman hostage in a hotel room, a 16 hour standoff with SWAT, shoots himself in the chest, all while keeping his Facebook status up to date, liking comments, posting pics and confirming friends. Talk about multi-tasking.

First of all, isn't that something you'd do on Twitter? What the hell is the matter with this guy? Twitter is supposed to be the second by second update outlet, not Facebook. That's why Twitter limits you to 140 characters. Hit it quick, get out. In and out. Of course that takes on a whole new meaning if it's Brett Farve or Tony Weiner doing the "tweeting".

Jason Valdez
"Good morning FB friends. Woke up this morning with SWT outside my door"

Jason Valdez
"SWAT"

Jason Valdez is now friends with 8 people

Jason Valdez has changed his profile picture

Jason Valdez
"Did I mention I was holding a woman hostage?"

And then there's the guy replying to Valdez telling him there's a cop in the bushes! Is this guy thinking that the cops aren't on his friends list so they won't see what he's saying?

Technology is just not a good idea for people who are dumber than a bag of hammers.

IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.....CRAP

Man, I might have to start doing 2 or 3 blogs a day just to keep up with the insanity. This one might be a little tough for some to stomach.....literally.

I guess check out the video first;

Here's a link to the story.

I don't know what else to say but holy shit!!
This burger tastes like crap!!!
I can't decide on whether to have the shitkebob or the shittin' fried steak.
I don't know man, the shit sausage....it kinda looks the same.
That really is shit on a shingle.

Ohhhh!!! This is not good. How do they come up with this crap? And to think I was worried about where Jack-in-the-Box taco meat came from.

"Why can't we have steak, dad?"
"Because money doesn't grow on trees, son. I can't just pull a steak out of my ass."
Apparently you could, dad, but thank God you didn't.

I guess you can have your crap and eat it too.

UPPEGARK THEORY

I'm sure most everyone has seen it. If you've ever tried to buy tickets to a concert or sporting event online you'll get the infamous "type the words you see in the box". This is used to make sure that an actual person is buying the tickets and not some computer program a scalper uses to buy up the tickets before the general public can get to them, and then sell those same tickets you were trying to get at several times face value.

It's called a CAPTCHA, meaning Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart. OK, great, I understand the need for it, and the examples shown so far are the easier ones to read. What I don't get is when they make it so difficult to read you just about go blind trying to figure out what to type.

 gcvedst thesr??? Is that what that is? Does it really have to be that difficult?

Good luck with any of those. Again, I get the need for it but I don't get why it has to make your eyeballs pop right out of your head. Why can't these things at least be legible like the first couple of examples above? And even those have that hazy, out of focus look. And what are you supposed to do with this one:

OK, Mr. CAPTCHA programmer, you show me how to type that one in the box and I'll buy you a ticket.

And what about these? These are all real. Are you supposed to turn the keyboard upside down? Do you spell it backwards, forwards? That's getting a little ridiculous right there. But that's not all. If that looking through Coke bottle glasses feel isn't enough for you, these next examples are just going to make you say, "screw it, I just don't need to go to this concert."

Yeah, good luck getting those tickets.

CANADA BURNING

As the thermometer soars past 100° again here in the largest city in the Gulf Coast Desert, is there anyone up for some ice hockey?

Since the final game of the Stanley Cup championship was last night and since there's likely not a whole lot of folks in these parts that know much about it...or care....I was going to do a blog about the Stanley Cup, about how it started with a dude named Lord Stanley of Preston, about how there isn't a new Stanley Cup trophy made each year, it's the same one, and about how every player's name on a team who has won the Stanley Cup is added onto it for eternity, and all that jazz. Yeah, I was going to do that, but of course, somebody did something stupid.

A quick recap - the game was played in Vancouver. That's in Canada, eh. A team that calls Vancouver home, and who has never won a Stanley Cup in the 40 years of their existence, played a team from Boston, USA. In Canada, hockey is as big as football is here in America, so the Vancouverites?? Vancouveronians?? the citizens of Vancouver were pretty excited about the thought of their team winning their first ever championship and bringing the Stanley Cup back to where every Canadian believes it rightfully belongs - where it all started - Canada.

Well, the Cup stays in America as Boston beat Vancouver, so those crazy Canadians took the loss like any hard working, red blooded Ameri Canadian would - they burn down and loot their city.

Losing hurts. Having followed Houston sports my whole life, I know. And there's nothing in the world better than burning down your city to make you feel better about these millionaire sports guys that you don't know personally and probably never will, losing their poor little game.

"Those American hosers win again, eh"

"That sucks pretty bad, eh"

"Eh, let's steal a 2-4 of Moosehead and burn a cop car, eh"

"Yeah, eh, that'll teach those hosers, eh"

"Eh"

Once again, I just can't comprehend the mentality involved. That said, wouldn't the world be a lot better place if rather than rioting after a championship sporting event, people would get out in the streets and just do this instead........

DIVING FOR TERRORISTS

59 year old Bill Warren of Californ-I-A, has decided he's going to spend his summer deep sea diving in the Indian Ocean in hopes of finding Osama bin Laden's body to provide photographic proof that he's dead. Warren is a salvage diver who has found more than 200 wrecks. He plans on renting a ship in India along with a remote-operated submarine, which will run him about $11 grand a day, and try to find this 6 foot long object somewhere in the Arabian Sea, which is bigger in size than the Gulf of Mexico. And he thinks it's going to take him about 2 weeks to do it. "I'm doing it because I am a patriotic American who wants to know the truth. I do it for the world," says Warren in an interview with the New York Post.

Well, I'm a patriotic American who wants to know the truth too. And the truth is.....what a freaking nut job! First of all, OBL has been rotting at the bottom of the Indian Ocean for 6½ weeks now. He's long since cycled his way through fish intestines, and the byproduct of that has likely done some cycling as well. And whatever could possibly be left of him is likely covered in crustaceans or being snacked on by any number of ungodly critters that scour the ocean's floors. 

Secondly, it only took 2 years to find the wreckage of an Air France jet that crashed off of Brazil's coast 2 years ago. TWO YEARS to find a JET AIRPLANE!! And they knew where to look!!!! This guy is looking for a single human-sized body, with no clue where to look. And he's going to do it in 2 weeks? Riiiight!

Not to mention it took damn near 10 years to find the son of a bitch when he was alive!!

So what happens if he doesn't find him? Is he some whack job that's going to say that OBL is not dead because this loon couldn't find him? Our government lied, with Al Qaeda actually agreeing with our government? Or does he try to cash in by stealing a skeleton out of the science lab, wrap a turban around it's head, drop it in the water, take a few snapshots with his remote sub and tries to sell it to us on every freaking talk show on the planet?


One step ahead of you, dufus.

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Ok, part of the bad news is that I lied about the good news. Here's some headlines from around these parts in just the last couple days or so. If you're looking to be cheered up, I'd go ahead and pass on this blog for now.



Woman stabbed inside Spring home
I'll take the trash out when there's a commercial.

Katy man accused of snatching purse, dragging victim with car
Are seatbelts required when riding on the outside of the vehicle?

Teens Charged in Burned Car Arson Case
You're supposed to PAINT the flames on the car.

Surveillance video shows deadly robbery at Harris County Texaco station
Dang! Used to live pretty close by.

Shots Fired At Family's Home In Spring
I'll huff and puff and shoot your house down.

Good Samaritan shot while trying to stop robbers
Try putting a closed sign on the door next time. "Damn man, we're stuck here. Outside is closed." Hey, there's some pretty dumb crooks out there.

Boy, 3, Drowns In Swimming Pool
This is just sad.

2 Men Shot To Death Inside Night Club
Nothing good happens at midnight....in the 3rd Ward.

Police seek hit-and-run driver who fled scene where officer was killed
"Did you hear that?"
"If it sounded like we hit a motorcycle and dragged it 1,700 feet, no, I didn't hear it."

Couple kidnapped, forced to drive to Louisiana
I'll have a Beefy Burrito Supreme and a ride to Louisiana.

Man Hits Wife, Daughter With Car
Fine, if you're not going to make her clean her room....

There's nothing funny about any of these stories of course, but my God man!! It's a freaking war zone out there. You're not safe at a club, a pool party, a restaurant, a gas station, your car or even inside your own freaking home!!! A stranger, neighbor, FAMILY MEMBER, it doesn't matter!! There's some horrible, horrible human beings on this rock we call earth. Just wish there were a way they were the ones being weeded out instead of those they weed out.