UPPEGARK THEORY

I'm sure most everyone has seen it. If you've ever tried to buy tickets to a concert or sporting event online you'll get the infamous "type the words you see in the box". This is used to make sure that an actual person is buying the tickets and not some computer program a scalper uses to buy up the tickets before the general public can get to them, and then sell those same tickets you were trying to get at several times face value.

It's called a CAPTCHA, meaning Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart. OK, great, I understand the need for it, and the examples shown so far are the easier ones to read. What I don't get is when they make it so difficult to read you just about go blind trying to figure out what to type.

 gcvedst thesr??? Is that what that is? Does it really have to be that difficult?

Good luck with any of those. Again, I get the need for it but I don't get why it has to make your eyeballs pop right out of your head. Why can't these things at least be legible like the first couple of examples above? And even those have that hazy, out of focus look. And what are you supposed to do with this one:

OK, Mr. CAPTCHA programmer, you show me how to type that one in the box and I'll buy you a ticket.

And what about these? These are all real. Are you supposed to turn the keyboard upside down? Do you spell it backwards, forwards? That's getting a little ridiculous right there. But that's not all. If that looking through Coke bottle glasses feel isn't enough for you, these next examples are just going to make you say, "screw it, I just don't need to go to this concert."

Yeah, good luck getting those tickets.

CANADA BURNING

As the thermometer soars past 100° again here in the largest city in the Gulf Coast Desert, is there anyone up for some ice hockey?

Since the final game of the Stanley Cup championship was last night and since there's likely not a whole lot of folks in these parts that know much about it...or care....I was going to do a blog about the Stanley Cup, about how it started with a dude named Lord Stanley of Preston, about how there isn't a new Stanley Cup trophy made each year, it's the same one, and about how every player's name on a team who has won the Stanley Cup is added onto it for eternity, and all that jazz. Yeah, I was going to do that, but of course, somebody did something stupid.

A quick recap - the game was played in Vancouver. That's in Canada, eh. A team that calls Vancouver home, and who has never won a Stanley Cup in the 40 years of their existence, played a team from Boston, USA. In Canada, hockey is as big as football is here in America, so the Vancouverites?? Vancouveronians?? the citizens of Vancouver were pretty excited about the thought of their team winning their first ever championship and bringing the Stanley Cup back to where every Canadian believes it rightfully belongs - where it all started - Canada.

Well, the Cup stays in America as Boston beat Vancouver, so those crazy Canadians took the loss like any hard working, red blooded Ameri Canadian would - they burn down and loot their city.

Losing hurts. Having followed Houston sports my whole life, I know. And there's nothing in the world better than burning down your city to make you feel better about these millionaire sports guys that you don't know personally and probably never will, losing their poor little game.

"Those American hosers win again, eh"

"That sucks pretty bad, eh"

"Eh, let's steal a 2-4 of Moosehead and burn a cop car, eh"

"Yeah, eh, that'll teach those hosers, eh"

"Eh"

Once again, I just can't comprehend the mentality involved. That said, wouldn't the world be a lot better place if rather than rioting after a championship sporting event, people would get out in the streets and just do this instead........

DIVING FOR TERRORISTS

59 year old Bill Warren of Californ-I-A, has decided he's going to spend his summer deep sea diving in the Indian Ocean in hopes of finding Osama bin Laden's body to provide photographic proof that he's dead. Warren is a salvage diver who has found more than 200 wrecks. He plans on renting a ship in India along with a remote-operated submarine, which will run him about $11 grand a day, and try to find this 6 foot long object somewhere in the Arabian Sea, which is bigger in size than the Gulf of Mexico. And he thinks it's going to take him about 2 weeks to do it. "I'm doing it because I am a patriotic American who wants to know the truth. I do it for the world," says Warren in an interview with the New York Post.

Well, I'm a patriotic American who wants to know the truth too. And the truth is.....what a freaking nut job! First of all, OBL has been rotting at the bottom of the Indian Ocean for 6½ weeks now. He's long since cycled his way through fish intestines, and the byproduct of that has likely done some cycling as well. And whatever could possibly be left of him is likely covered in crustaceans or being snacked on by any number of ungodly critters that scour the ocean's floors. 

Secondly, it only took 2 years to find the wreckage of an Air France jet that crashed off of Brazil's coast 2 years ago. TWO YEARS to find a JET AIRPLANE!! And they knew where to look!!!! This guy is looking for a single human-sized body, with no clue where to look. And he's going to do it in 2 weeks? Riiiight!

Not to mention it took damn near 10 years to find the son of a bitch when he was alive!!

So what happens if he doesn't find him? Is he some whack job that's going to say that OBL is not dead because this loon couldn't find him? Our government lied, with Al Qaeda actually agreeing with our government? Or does he try to cash in by stealing a skeleton out of the science lab, wrap a turban around it's head, drop it in the water, take a few snapshots with his remote sub and tries to sell it to us on every freaking talk show on the planet?


One step ahead of you, dufus.

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Ok, part of the bad news is that I lied about the good news. Here's some headlines from around these parts in just the last couple days or so. If you're looking to be cheered up, I'd go ahead and pass on this blog for now.



Woman stabbed inside Spring home
I'll take the trash out when there's a commercial.

Katy man accused of snatching purse, dragging victim with car
Are seatbelts required when riding on the outside of the vehicle?

Teens Charged in Burned Car Arson Case
You're supposed to PAINT the flames on the car.

Surveillance video shows deadly robbery at Harris County Texaco station
Dang! Used to live pretty close by.

Shots Fired At Family's Home In Spring
I'll huff and puff and shoot your house down.

Good Samaritan shot while trying to stop robbers
Try putting a closed sign on the door next time. "Damn man, we're stuck here. Outside is closed." Hey, there's some pretty dumb crooks out there.

Boy, 3, Drowns In Swimming Pool
This is just sad.

2 Men Shot To Death Inside Night Club
Nothing good happens at midnight....in the 3rd Ward.

Police seek hit-and-run driver who fled scene where officer was killed
"Did you hear that?"
"If it sounded like we hit a motorcycle and dragged it 1,700 feet, no, I didn't hear it."

Couple kidnapped, forced to drive to Louisiana
I'll have a Beefy Burrito Supreme and a ride to Louisiana.

Man Hits Wife, Daughter With Car
Fine, if you're not going to make her clean her room....

There's nothing funny about any of these stories of course, but my God man!! It's a freaking war zone out there. You're not safe at a club, a pool party, a restaurant, a gas station, your car or even inside your own freaking home!!! A stranger, neighbor, FAMILY MEMBER, it doesn't matter!! There's some horrible, horrible human beings on this rock we call earth. Just wish there were a way they were the ones being weeded out instead of those they weed out.

IF IT LOOKS LIKE A WEINER......

Noble surnames, such as Weiner, evoke images of the ancient homeland of the Austrian people. The original bearer of the name Weiner, once lived, held land, or was born in the beautiful Vienna region of Austria.
-from HouseofNames.com

Yeah, OK, I've heard of Vienna sausages, I get it.

*Disclaimer: This is not an attempt to make fun of people from Austria.


Just making fun of Weiner's.

U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner, hereinafter referred to as Tony Weiner, was born in Brooklyn, New York. BROOKLYN!!! Are you getting the picture? Growing up in Brooklyn and your name is Weiner? Growing up anywhere when your name is Weiner should be tough enough, but New York City? This guy has got to be one of the toughest SOB's on the planet with all the fights he must have been in, right?
 
Or he could just be another "Weiner" with ears.


Tony Weiner is of course, the guy, or I guess I should say, latest guy, to go Brett Favre with his.....umm....weiner. He apparently sent a sexually explicit photograph of himself to a 21 year old female who follows him on Twitter. Commonly referred to (sadly, in that it's not just sad that it happens, but happens enough to be common)  as "sexting". Now, I don't have a Twitter account and I think it's safe to say I won't be getting one if this is what it means to "tweet".

Tweet this and tweet that, I taught I taw a puddy tat. Nope, that's just another weiner. What is the deal with taking a picture of one's "junk" and sending it to someone you don't even know? I mean, I get why the perv down the street does it, but people in the public eye? A soon to be Hall of Fame NFL quarterback? A freaking United States CONGRESSMAN???

Now, I like my weiner just as much as anybody else but I'm not so bored that I'm sitting here going, "after I write this blog what am I going to do? Camera phone in one hand......coool! Never seen you like that before. Now, erase......oh wait!!! ERASE NOT SEND!!!! CRAP!!!" I just can't comprehend why that would ever cross anyone's mind, let alone an elected official. Especially with technology like it is, what could possibly go wrong?

And it's not like Tony Weiner just got married less than a year ago......oh wait, he did just get married less than a year ago. What a weiner.

And for the love of Pete, if your name is Weiner, please, please, please don't make your kids grow up with that name. School children can be brutal. So can bloggers. Change your name! Winner, Winter, Farve, anything but Weiner. And if you're not going to change it, then at least do NOT name your kid Oscar. Years later telling his psychiatrist, "I wish I wasn't Oscar Meyer Weiner!"

I was wondering how I was going to work that in there.

THE HOUSTON DESERT

OK, gonna try to get back into this blogging thing. So let's talk about the weather.

Today is June 5th, the 156th day of 2011. In those 156 days, only 4 times has the official rain gauge at Bush Intercontinental Airport been filled with over .50 inches of rain. And all 4 of those days occurred in January. On January 24th, we were inundated with almost 2 inches of rain (1.94"). In the 4 months and change since January 24th, there has been a combined 1.97 inches TOTAL!!

Needless to say, 2011 is going down in the records books for dryness. February was the 8th driest February on record, we just had the 6th driest May ever, and April 2011 goes down as the driest April on record with barely over a tenth of an inch accumulation for the month. I sweat more than that. I mean, uh, I know people who do. June is only 5 days old but it's getting off to a dust spitting start as well with a big fat nothing in the rain collector. Less than half an inch this month would easily put June '11 in the top 10 driest Junes of all-time, and less than .08" (2005) would make it #1.

Oh, and don't forget, it gets hot in this freaking town too. June is 5 days old and we've already broken 3 record high temperatures, with a 4th expected to be broken today, including the earliest we've ever hit the century mark (June 2 - 100°).

Unlike your typical desert where you always hear "yeah, but it's a dry heat", our newly forming Gulf Coast desert comes with humidity. Oh the joy!

Back to my tumbleweed garden.