WE'VE GOT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL

"My balls are always bouncing,
To the left and to the right,
It's my belief that my big balls,
Should be held every night"

Those are lyrics to an old rock song from the '70's by AC/DC. It was a song about "upper class, high society" ballroom parties, written with a plethora of double entendres and innuendo. The big balls I'm about to talk about have no double meanings, they're just big balls that kick ass!

And I'm talking about the big balls of Wipeout, the hit TV show currently in it's third season on ABC. It's basically a series of obstacle courses where people compete against each other to get through. It's called Wipeout because that's what you do. You will wipe out.

There are 3 stages of qualifying to get to the final stage known as the Wipeout Zone, which will determine a winner of a $50,000 grand prize. 24 contestants compete against time in the 1st qualifier which consists of a series of obstacles you need to get through in the fastest time. The top 12 times move on to the next round. 6 are eliminated from round 2, and 2 more from round 3. Only 4 make it to the Wipeout Zone.

Sounds easy enough, but the obstacles are pretty much there so that you do in fact, wipe out. They consist of things such as the "Sucker Punch Wall" where dozens of boxing gloves on a pole shoot out from the wall and try to punch you as you try to make your way across the narrow ledge. Take one square in the jaw or gut and off the wall and into the muddy water you fall.

One of my favorites this season is the "Shape Shifter". This is a spinning wheel with holes in it. The holes are different shapes, a square, a circle, etc. and you have to get through one of these holes, as the wheel is spinning, then jump to the platform on the other side. But getting to the hole usually requires perfectly timing a jump off a trampoline or springboard. Miss the timing and you smack right into the wheel and drop into the water below. Getting the timing right is not guaranteed success either because you can fly right through the hole and out the other side and into the drink.

The star of this obstacle course though, is the Big Balls. Four giant mounted bouncy balls that contestants must cross over the top of. Few make it to the 3rd ball let alone making it all the way across. This is usually where you have the best wipe outs. You must jump off a platform onto the bouncy balls. Legs usually give way and bodies start flying, bouncing off the big balls, back and forth between the big balls like a pinball, on their way to the splashdown in the water below. And if you take too much time on the platform, what is called the "Motivator" will give you a push. This is a giant arm that swings down behind you and sweeps you off the platform onto the big balls.

Other obstacles along the way, the "Double Cross". This is usually a 2nd round event. There is a giant platform cross spinning clockwise where contestants have to jump off a platform onto the spinning cross, but only on the 3 arms that have green arrows. They must make their way to the center and then exit off the one arm with the red arrows and jump off onto a platform to advance. The first 6 people to do this advance to round 3. Oh, did I mention there's also another giant cross spinning in the opposite direction, "Sweeper Arms", that you have to try and avoid while you're running on the platform cross?

Round 3 usually consists of something that has to be done again and again until the 4 spots for the Wipeout Zone are filled. The remaining 6 people run this course until one person finishes. That person is a Wipeout Zone finalist, and the remaining 5 have to start the obstacle over from the beginning and repeat the process until 4 people make it. Previous seasons saw contestants strapped to what they call the "Dizzy Dummy". You were strapped in and spun around for about 30 seconds, then it was a mad dash to run the course. If you've ever been spun around and around then tried to walk, then you know the difficulty.

The last 4 standing take part in the Wipeout Zone. The contestant to do this in the fastest time is the winner and gets the $50,000. It usually starts with something that has to launch you into the ice cold water. The catapult is my favorite. You then swim to your 1st obstacle. In seasons past this was a water ramp that you had to climb up. Don't take your time on it though because you'll likely be washed away by a 1,000 gallon tidal wave after about 10 seconds. This season, this first obstacle is the "Gut Buster". A series of platforms that move up and down, sometimes pretty violently, that you must cross. Then it's on to the "Spin Cycle", a huge spinning tub that you must enter from one side and exit the other, and it's usually filled with tons of foam. Up next, at least for this season is the "Sini-Stairs", a spiraling spinning staircase that you must climb to the top of while trying to avoid the opposite direction spinning sweeper arms that can smack you right into the water.

And finally comes the "Gauntlet", the final section of the Wipeout Zone. This usually consist of the "Crank Shaft", a spinning shaft that you must maneuver your way through, then the "Blades of Fury", 2 spinning windmills that you have to jump through, then the "Beater-Totter", a hydraulic see-saw, usually covered in foam, and then a jump onto the finish platform.

And there you have it. Wipeout. This may be one of the best TV shows I've seen come along in quite some time. For the 2½ seasons I've been watching it, there is not one episode where I haven't just laughed and laughed and laughed. 'Til I cried in some cases. I guess it's the way the course gets back at people. It's like watching a train wreck except nobody gets hurt and it's funny. Yeah, exactly like it. Especially when people try it that have no business doing much of anything physical. Funny, funny, funny stuff. However, I doubt I would have much trouble with it. Looks pretty simple to me.

Oh well, I'll leave it at that and as one of the co-hosts says at the end of each show, "good night and big balls."