ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

I haven't been around the blogosphere in a while but I just can't stay locked up in the basement any longer.

Let me preface this by saying that I am happy for ANYONE who has found them a partner that they can be with, love, trust, spend a life with, regardless of your sexual orientation, your religious beliefs or your race. Sincerest congratulations to you because that can be a difficult thing to accomplish....for anybody!

If someone pointed a gun to my head, I would say that I am a non-judgmental person. Stop laughing! Now, that doesn't mean I don't have my judging moments, whether joking around which I've been known to do or telling you that people who text while driving are idiots, for example. I mean, I do have issues with stupidity which is why this blog exists, but when it comes to the things that people do, like how they live their lives, who they like or don't, I really don't give a flying pink rat's ass how they live it, as long as they aren't hurting others. If it works for you, more power to you.

My question is....why is it that whatever lifestyle or religion or what have you, that someone, or a group of someones, chooses in life, they feel the need to conform everyone to their ways or need their acceptance? For example, vegans. If you are a vegan and that's the way you feel is best for YOUR life, why are you protesting at the meat market where I'm trying to buy steak? What is the deal with all the anti-meat propaganda, animal cruelty BS, rallies and protests trying to get EVERYONE to get off the meat wagon and go vegan?

That's my problem with these groups. It's not a problem, to me, that they live their lives like they want to, the problem is them not letting me live mine the way I want to. I'm not at the farmer's market leading a protest against people buying vegetables. If you enjoy eating only vegetables, why is it a concern of yours that people eat meat?

If you are homosexual, that's your business, is how I look at it. I don't care if you like country music, I don't care what you eat, I don't care what car you drive, and I damn sure don't care who you sleep with. And why would I? It's none of my damn business, whether it's Jack and Jill or Adam and Steve. Yet we get bombarded almost daily with gay rights, parades and all that jazz. Why? Why is it these groups feel the need to advertise their sexuality to the world, to try to gain someone elses acceptance? And on top of that, label everyone who disagrees with that lifestyle a homophobe? That isn't any different than those who oppose Obama being labeled racists.

This leads me to the recent Supreme Court decision declaring same-sex marriage legal nationwide. That is fantastic news if you are homosexual. It really is. The problem now is, where do you get married? The Justice of the Peace might be an option, getting an internet ordained minister to perform the ceremony at the beach, lake house or something, and all of that is fine. But what about those that are going to want to get married in a church? You know it's coming.

Now I'm just going to take a stab in the dark and assume no one is going to a mosque for a same-sex marriage, but you just know that people are going to want to get married in a church. And here is what's going to happen. First of all, homosexuality is something the Christian God frowns upon. Couldn't tell you how the Muslim, Hindu or Buddist gods feel about it, but I know the Christian God isn't down with it. So when that Christian minister refuses the same-sex couple, fire and brimstone are sure to follow as it hits the fan and Brainwash Inc (the media) starts doing what they do best - getting everyone into a hate-filled frenzy.

Then here comes the protests and riots and the "I thought Christianity was about love and acceptance and turning the other cheek, blah, blah, blah". Next thing you know, the church probably has to shut down, if it doesn't get burned down first, and the preacher has to move to another state.

Again, if you are homosexual and you want to marry the same-sex, which is now legal, then why do you feel the need to force that on those that don't have your beliefs? You know Christianity doesn't support that, and as I mentioned before, you damn sure aren't going to a mosque, so why even try it? I just don't get why you feel everyone should support what you do. You know the Christian church doesn't support homosexuality, yet if it's the last thing you do, your are going to take that church down if they don't marry you.

I support anyone's decision to live their lives they way they want. That doesn't mean I have to support what that decision is. Again, I'm not going to a vegan restaurant and demanding they serve me ribs. I know they won't so I'm not going there.

And while everyone is celebrating the Supreme Court's decision about same-sex marriage, what is QUIETLY being brushed under the rug is the total disregard for state's rights. Again, I don't care one way or the other about who any one marries, but I DO care about the Constitution of the United States. And here we have a classic example of state's rights being tossed aside.

I know that because of years of media brainwash and their need to keep racism alive, that this will come as a shock to some, but about 150 years ago there was this nasty little war that broke out over - state's rights. Now, I'm in no way, shape, or form saying that the Confederacy is about to make a comeback because of this. I AM saying, however, that there goes one more piece of our freedoms and liberties, that no one is batting an eye about, because they did this in a way to give a group of people what they wanted, get everybody celebrating, blow up the reactions to those opposed and of course, if you do oppose it, then you have phobia issues. Chipping away at our freedoms and liberties one little battle at a time, and by the time everyone is through celebrating those little individual battles, the war on freedom will be over, and we the people, will have lost.

Might be a good time to learn Chinese.

A MOUTHFUL

From the time we were infants we were always being told not to put things in our mouths. It seems some of us never quite learned that lesson.

Squid ejaculates into woman's mouth.

Apparently while the woman was dining on this partially cooked Korean delicacy, Mr. Cephalopod, despite his predicament, was still able to manage to blow one last...umm....wad, into this woman's mouth.

OK, first of all, never mind that thing never getting near my mouth, I don't want it in the same area code I'm eating in.

Secondly, I don't know about Korean delicacies, but that looks more like what you'd find on a Klingon Bird of Prey. "waH parHa uSgheb" translated from Klingon, "tastes like chicken". Wash it down with a little Romulan Ale and you're good to go.

With all the interbreeding that science messes with, donkey + horse = mule, honey bees + African bees = killer bees, horse + man = centaur, I mean, we already have fish + woman = mermaid, now we've got horny squid going after a woman. Maybe aliens don't really exist except for the ones we're creating right here on earth.

I'm talking about the squid baby, not Will Smith.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

We need you Tallahassee!!!!
That, of course, is a snapshot of Woody Harrelson playing the role of Tallahassee, zombie killer, in the movie Zombieland.

2 pm, NE 13th Street, Miami, Florida, police officer shoots a man and kills him. The man shot was naked so he didn't have any place to conceal a weapon.....unless you consider teeth to be a weapon. No, this is not a case of police brutality. According to the Miami Herald report, when the officer arrived on the scene, the naked man was attacking another man. Sounds like a typical assault so far, except for the fact that the naked man was eating the victim's face!!!!

And so begins the Zombie Apocalypse.

Rule #1 - Cardio! Don't be so out of shape that you get caught on the streets of Miami with a face-eating zombie.

The police officer yelled for the man to stop and when he didn't, the officer shot him. The attacker failed to stop forcing the officer to fire several more times, thus following Rule #2 - Double Tap. When it comes to zombies, don't be getting all stingy with your bullets. It could keep you from becoming a human happy meal.

The victim was transported to the hospital with critical injuries. I hope they're keeping him in a very secured area because we all know what happens when you've been bitten by a zombie.

The incident occurred as thousands were gathering to attend the Urban Beach Week festival on South Beach causing a traffic nightmare in the area. All of these people were of course, just trying to take advantage of Rule #32 - Enjoy the Little Things.

I don't know about you but I could sure go for a Twinkie right about now.

"Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the f**king Twinkies?"
"Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?"

THE REVIEWS ARE IN

In this day and age, if you want to know about something before you buy it, whether it be some product or restaurant, or auto mechanic, etc, you go online and read reviews of what others who have already bought or used it have to say about it. Especially when you are buying something online, as customer reviews are readily available for the product you are looking at. The bad news is, even with people commenting on these products and/or services, you have to understand the world out there. People are.....people. Some reviews just might be from employees giving it a glowing review to help push the product, some might be from the competition dissing the product and some might be from actual customers who have legitimately and honestly given their take on it. You still have to use a little common sense in the matter.

Then there are products available out there that make you wonder what kind of person is looking that up in the first place. And you can only imagine the reviews these things get. Here's a few products on Amazon.com, the world's largest online retailer and some very interesting reviews to go with them.



Product: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme

Review: Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS!!

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

 

___________________________________________

Product: Fresh Whole Rabbit

Review: I ordered one of these Fresh “Whole” Rabbits, but when it arrived its head, fur and insides were missing. Not exactly whole, I’d say! Maybe it was just damaged during shipping, but I won’t be buying another one. I mean – without the long ears, how do I know it even WAS a rabbit? It was the same size and shape as a cat…not that I’ve seen a cat with its head, fur and insides missing. I mean, not like really close or anything.

___________________________________________

Product: Canned Unicorn Meat

Review: Delicious!! Of course this isn't as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days?

I'm a busy professional so I don't have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh 'corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights.

___________________________________________

Product: UFO Detector

Review: I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha

Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don't exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn't mind helping our fUtUre overlords!

Do not bUy this prodUct.

TEBOWMANIACS

One of the strangest phenomenons over the past few years here in the good ol US of A, is the fascination of one Tim Tebow. A University of Florida standout and Heisman trophy winner in his college career, Tebow has been mediocre at best since joining the National Football League, yet if you ever watch ESPN, you'd think Tebow was Otto Graham, Johnny U, Joe Montana and Peyton Manning all rolled up into one super human mega-duper quarterback. Unfortunately, he's not even an average QB so far in his very young career, much less Hall of Fame material, yet the fascination continues. And not just in Florida (where he went to school), or Denver (where he played his rookie season) or the Big Apple (where he's currently employed).

The Tebow-pandemic has even gripped the small town of Kingsley, Iowa. High school senior, Rachel Bird, sent a Tweet inviting Tebow to her prom....as her date. As you can expect, with Tebow likely having a million or more followers on Twitter, there was no response to Rachel's tweet. Mildly disappointed, Rachel was facing going to the prom with no date, so she decided that she wasn't letting Tebow get out of this prom date.....sorta. She came up with an idea to take a life sized cardboard cutout of Tim Tebow to her high school prom as her date.

Rachel's father, Bob Bird, helped her make this life-sized cutout. And why not? He didn't have to worry about some punk kid being out with his daughter. Of course there's that being out in public with a cardboard cutout as your date thing, but what the hell? Dad even splashed a little cologne on Thin Tebow.

Friends, and I use that term loosely, encouraged her to do it. Of course they did. How hilarious is that going to be? I can't believe I can't find the YouTube videos of it. What, no camera phones there in Iowa? Really, these people are your friends? I think I'm starting to understand why she chose to go to the prom  with cardboard.

I figure one of two things is going on here. 1) What does it say about the guys at Kingsley-Pierson High School that an attractive high school senior would choose to go to the prom with a cardboard cut-out instead of them? Come on guys! I know it's Iowa and you're all probably into bailing hay and milking stuff, but you got beat out by cardboard!

That said, my 1976 Farrah Fawcett poster is still the best girlfriend I ever had.

2) The girl does look nice, so what gives?
Likely answer: Totally. Freaking. Psycho. Bitch.

As it turns out, dad did have something to worry about. Never thought he'd be a grandpa so soon.

CUSTOMER NEEDS ASSISTANCE IN THE METH DEPARTMENT

The Christmas shopping frenzy is upon us and in full swing. We've survived another Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday in search of those super bargains, and as the big day approaches the 2 week mark, the mall parking lots are near capacity as the procrastinators get around to finally getting in the mix while everyone else is getting some last minute shopping done.

And I think it's safe to say that if the parking lot at Sears is at 50%, then you can almost bet the barn that a store like Wal-Mart is at about 140% capacity. Of course Wal-Mart doesn't really need the Christmas season to pack the place, it can be like that in May or June as well, seeing how Wal-Mart is the place you can get it all at "rollback" prices.

Rolling back prices on HDTV's, video games, DVD's, digital cameras, auto parts, cleaning supplies, clothes, medicine, shampoo, jewelry, toys, sporting goods, housewares, kitchenwares, gardening, grilling and in the case of a Tulsa, Oklahoma Wal-Mart...even crystal meth.

Woman makes meth inside Wal-Mart

A 45 year old woman in Tulsa, Elizabeth Alisha Greta Halfmoon ('cause 3 names isn't enough), was arrested for mixing chemicals to make meth.....INSIDE THE FREAKING STORE!!!!! Apparently (and I'm just going on my own assumption here), she ran out of meth money from buying a bunch of crack, and was too broke to buy the chemicals to make the meth. So, in a methheads infinite wisdom, she decides to mix up the magic potion in just one bottle, in the store, and just buy that one bottle. You know, instead of having to buy all the separate bottles of stuff, which can get pretty costly even at Wally World.

For 6 hours she was in the store, flipping through the $5 movie bin, waiting for her meth to be done. I guess. When security cameras caught the woman acting suspicious, they called the cops in and they busted her. Or it might have been when somebody noticed and reported all the smoke coming from her shopping cart. Or it might have been when she was setting up a meth display between the Lays Potato Chips (on sale 2 for $5) and the Dr. Pepper display ($4.99 a case). Not sure on the details.

Six hours in a store, a busy store, whipping up a batch of meth. Wow!! I guess the guy growing his own marijuana back in Lawn & Gardening was glad she was taking all of the attention away from him. Paranoid, but glad.