CUSTOMER NEEDS ASSISTANCE IN THE METH DEPARTMENT

The Christmas shopping frenzy is upon us and in full swing. We've survived another Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday in search of those super bargains, and as the big day approaches the 2 week mark, the mall parking lots are near capacity as the procrastinators get around to finally getting in the mix while everyone else is getting some last minute shopping done.

And I think it's safe to say that if the parking lot at Sears is at 50%, then you can almost bet the barn that a store like Wal-Mart is at about 140% capacity. Of course Wal-Mart doesn't really need the Christmas season to pack the place, it can be like that in May or June as well, seeing how Wal-Mart is the place you can get it all at "rollback" prices.

Rolling back prices on HDTV's, video games, DVD's, digital cameras, auto parts, cleaning supplies, clothes, medicine, shampoo, jewelry, toys, sporting goods, housewares, kitchenwares, gardening, grilling and in the case of a Tulsa, Oklahoma Wal-Mart...even crystal meth.

Woman makes meth inside Wal-Mart

A 45 year old woman in Tulsa, Elizabeth Alisha Greta Halfmoon ('cause 3 names isn't enough), was arrested for mixing chemicals to make meth.....INSIDE THE FREAKING STORE!!!!! Apparently (and I'm just going on my own assumption here), she ran out of meth money from buying a bunch of crack, and was too broke to buy the chemicals to make the meth. So, in a methheads infinite wisdom, she decides to mix up the magic potion in just one bottle, in the store, and just buy that one bottle. You know, instead of having to buy all the separate bottles of stuff, which can get pretty costly even at Wally World.

For 6 hours she was in the store, flipping through the $5 movie bin, waiting for her meth to be done. I guess. When security cameras caught the woman acting suspicious, they called the cops in and they busted her. Or it might have been when somebody noticed and reported all the smoke coming from her shopping cart. Or it might have been when she was setting up a meth display between the Lays Potato Chips (on sale 2 for $5) and the Dr. Pepper display ($4.99 a case). Not sure on the details.

Six hours in a store, a busy store, whipping up a batch of meth. Wow!! I guess the guy growing his own marijuana back in Lawn & Gardening was glad she was taking all of the attention away from him. Paranoid, but glad.

HORSE PLAY

OK, this one is probably going to be a little too gross for some, but the world needs to know just how sick and twisted people are. You're going to see some bloody pictures of a live woman and a dead animal. I will save the pictures until the end of the blog so if you want to read on to see what the hell this is about, go right ahead. I'll leave plenty of warning when the pics are coming.

So a 21 year old, aspiring model and nudist, Jasha Lottin, of Portland, Oregon, had this 32 year old horse, that her and her boyfriend said was in declining health, and decided to put the old horse out of it's misery.

OK, I get that. Sometimes we've got to put our old pets down when there's just nothing else you can do for them. The following though, is what I don't get.

So they decide they'll put the horse down themselves, gut it, and then finally eat it.

See, that's already getting a little weird. I mean, I think it's weird when you put ol' Rover down and take him to the taxidermist to have him do his thing so that Rover will be with you forever. But at least you're not having Fido quesadillas.
Wait, it gets worse.

After they gut the horse, little miss nudist decides she wants to strip down and crawl inside the carcass, simply because she wanted to know what it felt like to be inside a dead horse. Not a dare, she didn't lose a bet, she just wanted to know what it felt like. She also doesn't understand why people care about what she's done.

I do get that, somewhat. I mean, the police said they've ruled out any kind of animal cruelty and that no laws were violated, so whatever you do in the privacy of your own backyard is your business. Except they didn't keep it in their backyard. Miss modeling as horse intestines (which I don't think is the way an aspiring model should go), decides to post the pictures of her bloody escapade on the internet. Covered in horse blood, wrapped up inside the carcass and posing with some of the horses organs. Not that organ.......I don't think.

So, how messed up, in what little brain you have left, do you have to be.........
......to have a girlfriend that likes to get naked and crawl inside dead Mr. Ed
Dude....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

When she was inside the dead carcass was she thinking that this sorta must be what Job felt like when he was inside the whale? Seriously!!! That commercial with the egg and the frying pan, "this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs", if that didn't get the message to you about drugs, then they need to do a commercial about people getting naked and crawling around inside large dead animals.

There are some f***ed up people on this planet.

OK, here are the pics. They're pretty brutal.
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THERE'S NO NEED TO FEAR...

...UNDERDOG IS HERE!!!!!!!

Or some other super hero, or a superhero wanna-be.

Crime is rampant in Metropolis and if there's ever been a time when society needs a superhero it's now. The criminals are taking over, the cops are crooked, the DA is on the take, and the citizens are tired of living in fear.

That's what these guys must be telling themselves, right?

I'm talking about the increasing rise in vigilante-like action taken by people who are dressing up as superheroes.

Last year, Kick-Ass, hit the big screen. It was a movie about an ordinary average kid who wondered why there were no real superheroes. So he decided to be one despite no super powers. Having super powers myself, I know that having them is a vital part of being a superhero. Not having them and dressing up as a super hero is called a costume party.

Smelly Underarm Man!!! Err...I mean, Batman, is the latest "crime fighter" to be arrested by police. Dude's name is Mark Wayne. I kid you not. OK, it's actually Mark Wayne Williams, but still. Police in Petosky, Michigan arrested Williams when they found him dangling from a roof in his Caped Crusader gear. "Batman" had on him a baton, some Mace type spray, and had on lead-lined gloves. They booked him for trespassing and carrying dangerous weapons, and the judge ordered him to hang up his mask and cape for 6 months.

First of all, if you're going to be Batman, you're going to need a suit that can breathe. You can't fight crime with that kind of perspiration. Two words Mr. Batman, Secret deodorant. It's made for a woman but strong enough for a superhero.

And let's get with the times. A little more Dark Knight and a little less 'same bat time, same bat channel' 60's.

But at least Mark Wayne picked a superhero we've all heard about. And he doesn't have a boy Robin....that we know about. This next guy though, really did go Kick-Ass and made up his own crime fighter.

No, this is not Racer X's evil twin. They call this man Phoenix Jones. This Hancock wanna-be was arrested by Seattle police for pepper spraying a group of people he thought were fighting. There's even a video of him in action.

Phoenix Jones saves the day!

Phoenix and Batman are just 2 real life dress up like superheroes to make the news recently because they did get arrested, but apparently this real life superhero dress up party is a little more common than one would think. Let me introduce a few.

Angle Grinder Man. This guy roams the streets at night freeing people's cars who've had their cars wheel-clamped.

Captain Ozone is from the year 2039. He was sent to earth to save us from destroying ourselves. He saves endangered species, promotes renewable energy and teaches school children how to become environmental activists. He has to work during the day because the Ozonemobile is solar powered.

Mr. Silent. This guy roams the streets of downtown Indy about once a week doing what he can to help those in distress. When asked what happens if people need help the 6 days he doesn't roam the streets, Mr. Silent had nothing to say.

Super Barrio can be found in Mexico City defending the lower class and has actually become a real folk hero leading protest rallies, filing petitions, and challenging court orders. Super Barrio isn't afraid of a tamale or 12...dozen.

What about the women? They can get their superhero on too. Here's Terrifica. This masked maiden cruises the bars and clubs of New York City by night in an effort to protect drunk chicks from being taken advantage of. Actually, she carries a substance in her utility belt that she gives drunk dudes to counter the effect that everyone's prettier at 2 am. Man, could I have used that a time or two.

I don't really know who this is so I'm just going to assume that he's "The Very, Very Lone Ranger".

And finally, the only "superhero" (besides me) that I have ever seen in real life.

Faster than a clogged artery, more powerful than a locomotive (or at least bigger than one), and able to drink a Miller Lite in a single gulp. It's not a bird, it's not a plane, it's Texan Elvis!!

UNLIKE FACEBOOK

I am appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use, keeps making changes that inconvenience me.

That statement is really kinda funny if you think about it, but that's what it's come to at these internet social meeting places these days. Facebook has made the guy who created it, Mark Zuckerberg, one of the richest guys in his 20's in this quadrant of the Milky Way. And he did it by just taking something that really already existed, a virtual place for people to gather. There's been chatrooms and message boards or forums for years where people could go and share whatever their heart's desired. Invite who you want to, talk about whatever you want to. There was even a social network similar to Facebook that already existed, MySpace. MySpace still exists, as do chatrooms and message boards, but Facebook came along and the masses just started flocking to it.

With over 800 million users, that's about 11.5% of the population of the planet, advertisers were foaming at the mouth with a way to reach a whole lot of potential customers like never before. And with mega-advertising reaching to a mega-audience, the money comes rolling in. And truthfully, there's nothing wrong with that. That's capitalism baby! With all the advertising putting all those gozillions of dollars into Zuckerberg's wallet, room has to be made to show that advertising.

I've been on Facebook about a year and a half, 2 years maybe, and in that short time, there have already been several changes made. And like most things in the world these days, change doesn't always mean for the better. In the short time I've been on, the more personalized page that I used to have has become much less personal in order to fit the advertising in.

The latest change though, the one that has users currently flooding "newsfeeds" of how they're upset with the change, is another example of if it's not broke, don't fix it. I think back to the first sentence in this blog entry, and though true, there's no gun to my head to use this service, I do believe that if you offer a service, get people buying into and liking it, so much so that you're an overnight billionaire, then you start making changes that take away from why people use that service and brought everyone there in the first place, then you might be starting your own downfall. Of course if you're a billionaire I don't know how much that really matters to you.

Facebook is a neat little idea. I've been a message board user talking about a local sports teams since the late '90's, and all Facebook really is the way I see it, is your own personal message board. And I've seen message boards make changes that the members didn't appreciate and abandoned those sites and moved elsewhere. With the way the world works these days, the next new thing is right around the corner (see Twitter), and if Facebook makes changes that their users don't like, or that make it difficult to navigate and keep up with, those users will drop off. And when that happens, the advertisement dollar starts to shrink.

So you see, Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg, even though it's a free service to nearly a billion people that no one is forcing those nearly billion users to use, it's because of those nearly billion people that you have all those billions under your mattress.

So seriously, stop inconveniencing me by changing my free service that no one is making me use. I'm tired of all the status changes showing up in my newsfeed that I don't know how to navigate through any more.

TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT

We've all had jobs we've hated, and maybe some still do have jobs they hate. Whether it's a dickhead of a boss, the work is repetitive, monotonous, too hard, bad benefits or no benefits, it's a dead end job, the pay is bad, the commute is horrific, whatever the case may be, we all can get some serious complaining on when it comes to our jobs. In fact, there aren't too many people I've ever come across in my time that really love what they do for a living.

After a recent rectal exam I got to thinking about that doctor's job and him having to do that. I mean, I'd bet it's bad enough having to deal with snot-nosed kids, and adults, sick patients coughing and wheezing and so on all day, what exactly is the worst part of that doctor's job? What does he complain about?
"I had to stick my finger up this huge ass today"
My job isn't that bad, right? Is your job?

Next time you find yourself complaining about your job, stop for a second and thank your lucky chickens that you don't have some of the following jobs or are in some of the following work environments. Well, unless you do have one of these jobs.

Hey Charlie, when are you going on vacation again?

Excuse me, coming through, running late today getting the kids to school, excuse me.

Teacher: And what does your dad do, Jimmy?

Jimmy: My dad crawls up elephant's butts.

Teacher: Jimmy, that's not nice. Go see the principal.

Jimmy: But that's what he does, honest.

Collecting horse semen. Might be a little easier with some horse porn. Mr. Ed Does Dallas?



Nice catch but i think you're going to need a bigger sack.....and a wheelbarrow.

OK, you're the 3rd person this week to do this job. We just need you to hold it steady.

Are you sure the power's off to this wire?

Yeah, that one right there, You're good to go.

Had to do this one again.

Jimmy, how many times have I told you not to crawl up the elephant's butt?

Now give me your hand.

OK, this is really pissing me off!

And finally:

I finally get the promotion to underarms.

BLOODS & CRIPS - RED RIVER STYLE

Are fans of sports teams really just gang members? Rivalries between sports teams can be pretty intense, but the fans of those teams can take it up quite a few notches. And this is a worldwide phenomenon. Around the globe, soccer, or fútbol, as it's known by non-Americans, has some of the most intense rivalries in the world. Manchester United/Arsenal, Barcelona/Real Madrid, Brazil/Argentina....whenever these teams play each other it is watched by millions. And we've all heard about the shenanigans by some of the die-hard fans of some of these teams (and by die-hard I mean drunk, wasted, blitzed out of their minds). Referees have been shot because a fan didn't like a call the ref made. It's brutal.

Here in the good ol' U.S. of A. we can get some sports rivalries on too. Yankees/Red Sox is one of the biggest rivalries we have, but for the most part, football rules the world here in America. Particularly, college football. So much so that some of these rivalries are referred to as "wars" - The Civil War, Oregon/Oregon St. - The Border War, Kansas/Missouri - The Holy War, Brigham Young/Utah.

There's one college football rivalry that is picking up steam in a hurry to being one of the biggest and unfortunately, bloodiest rivalries in the world.

THE RED RIVER SHOOTOUT

This is the annual football game between the University of Texas and Oklahoma University. This rivalry started in 1900, before Oklahoma was a state. Since 1929, these 2 schools have met each other every single year, at a neutral site (Dallas). This year's game on October 8, will be the 106th time they've played each other.

The games are pretty intense by themselves as one or both schools are usually very highly ranked when they play. As mentioned though, fans can take it to another level. Playing at a neutral site, one team's fans fill up half the stadium and the other team's fans fill up the other half. Unfortunately, they have to meet somewhere and yucky UT fan might actually have to touch yucky OU fan.

Now here's where the touchy, touchy gets a little out of control. Keep in mind that the college football season hasn't even started yet. A couple of weeks ago, in an Applebee's restaurant in San Antonio, an OU fan and a UT fan got into an argument about their respective teams. The OU fan followed the UT fan into the foyer of the restaurant, where they continued arguing, and of course, a knife fight breaks out. The UT fan suffered stab wounds to the wrist, while the OU fan had stab wounds on his stomach and arms. Really? My team's better and I'll stab you to prove it?

At least that is not as bad as what happened about 4 years ago between fans of these 2 schools. My stomach is already feeling a little queasy knowing what I have to type. In 2007, a UT fan wandered into Henry Hudson's Pub in Oklahoma City, wearing his UT shirt. Well, OU fan, Michael Beckett, thought that was a little too "ballsy" from this fan of a hated rival, and he wasn't about to have any of it. From the moment UT fan, Brian Thomas, walked into the pub, Beckett was giving him the business. Thomas tried to ignore the man, but he was screaming at him. After about 20 minutes of the abuse, Thomas decided to pay his tab and leave. When he turned around, Beckett grabbed Thomas by the scrotum and wouldn't let go. Thomas tried punching the guy, but that's kind of hard to do when he's got your 2 worlds in his hands. Thomas said felt his scrotum tear and then blood started running down his leg. It took 60 stitches to repair the tear.

I get rivalries. There are teams I hate with a passion, and team's fans I can't stand even more. But come on man, this isn't Bloods vs. Crips, this is a freaking kid's game. Rip a man's scrotum off? What happened to a good ol' kick in the manjigglies?

I think I'm going to be sick.