HAVE YOU SEEN MY VODKA?

Proof that evolution (if you believe in that) has run it's course and if anything, is beginning a serious regression.

This is called "eyeballing vodka". A very disturbing trend that seems to be sweeping college campuses. Those who do this (pour shots of vodka into their eyeball) say it gets you drunk faster, almost instantly. They believe that by pouring the vodka into your eye, the alcohol gets into your system much faster, giving you a much quicker high.

And I thought I had a drinking problem. These people are totally missing their mouths.

Science says it doesn't make you drunk faster, if at all. Experts point out that very little alcohol can be absorbed into your system through the eye. So the people who do this thinking it makes you drunk faster are....you guessed it....already blitzed out of their skull.

Oh, and they're idiots.

Plus it freaking hurts. Eyeballing vodka is like pouring bleach into your eye. Pouring 40% alcohol into your eye damages the epithelium, which is a delicate layer of skin cells covering the eye, which helps protect the eye from infection and scarring that could lead to loss of sight.

Beer bongs, shotgunning a beer, all ways to get buzzing pretty quickly, but all in the conventional way (over the lips and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes) and all that actually get alcohol into your system. Who comes up with the idea of drinking through your eye? Especially with the pain involved. And if that guy isn't bad enough, how about all the people that follow suit? What's next, smoking crack through your ear? A crystal meth enema?

Right! Eating with your eyes. I see that's been done. Need to eyeball some vodka to wash that down?

Oh well, I guess if you're going to get drunk by drinking through your eyeballs, like everything in life, you want to do it in moderation. You don't want to do too much and end up like this guy.

NESSIE VISITS ALASKA?

That's supposedly Alaska's version of the Loch Ness Monster. This picture is taken by some local Alaskan fisherman in 2009. In fact, that's actually a still shot from video footage they took of this "monster". And it raises this very important question........

What the hell is the deal with all the grainy, out of focus pictures of all these so-called monsters? Have you ever seen a picture of the Loch Ness Monster that wasn't like this?

I mean, the technology in cameras has come a long, long way. It's almost impossible any more to take a crappy picture like that. I took this next picture running full speed, just throwing my arm up to point the camera (while still running), and hitting the button.

An almost crystal clear image, no fuzzy, out of focus, grainy look. A clear picture! And I wasn't even trying to take a good picture. I can do that while running and the grainy, out of focus images are all we can come up with when we run across sasquatch?

At least that one is in color. That's got to be a first.

So this "monster" in Alaska is thought to be a Cadborosaurus, a sea serpent that lives off the Pacific coast of North America.

Let's see Swamp People tag one of those.

Anyway, here's the video footage of the Alaska monster.

Even the video is gray and grainy. Of course the guys talking are clear and in color. Go figure.

THE HEAT IS ON...SORTA

The heat wave that is gripping much of the midwest, and has the media in a frenzy, begins moving to the east coast and all hell is breaking loose. A story on msnbc.com is reporting that the mercury reached 91 blistering degrees in New York City. From that article,

"Through the rest of this week and into the weekend at least 15 states starting from the Southern Plains and Midwest and much of the Northeast will witness 90 degree-plus temperatures with high humidity."

OK, are you telling me that the media is going ape-crazy about a heat wave that has temperatures IN THE FREAKING 90's??? Have these people ever heard of Texas, Arizona, the southern and southwest United States where temperatures are in the 90's or higher, from May to September??? Of course they haven't. The only places that matter in this world are Chicago, Philly, New York and D.C.

Unbelievable!! A full blown out freak job about 90 degree temperatures. Oh, except they try not to tell you what the real temperature is, instead they whip out the "heat index" number because that seems to have much more of a WOW factor on people. Then there's the guy with the instant-read thermometer taking the temperature of things that have been sitting in the sun all day. Here's the video.

OMG!!!! Talk about fear mongering. The "global warming" crowd must be getting ready to go on the attack again. Uh, the temperature of those seats in the sun all day would be over 120° if it were in the 80's you jackass!!! NEWSFLASH!! The sun is hot. Being directly in it all day will make it hot. It's just so stupid how they try to hype this up. And the worst part....there are very few high temperature records even being broken!!!

Click on the map below. It will take you a page that looks just like that map. There, you can interact with it by clicking your mouse on the date line at the top of the map. It shows high temperature records that have been broken since April. Be sure to keep an eye on the upper and central plains, the midwest, etc, where the heat wave has supposedly devastated recently.

Did you notice that there weren't very many heat records being broken in that area? Almost none since about June 10th. Yet the media would have you believe the gates of hell have opened up and swallowed much of the country. Or that the sun itself, has collided with earth and landed in Chicago, IL.

The temperature in Houston, TX has been 94° or higher for 55 of the last 59 days, since May 24th. And that's along with our lovely humidity. And it's likely to stay that way through the 1st part of September, or about 2 more months.

Hey media, you suck!!

FASHION DISASTER

I don't know how many reading this have ever been to a fashion show, but I'm sure almost everyone has seen it on TV or the wide world web. You know what I'm talking about, the skeletons with skin skinny, string bean models walking down the runway showing off these exotic designer clothes. A lot of times it's some ridiculous outfit that you never ever see in public and you wonder 1) why would anyone even think of designing it and 2) who the hell is going to wear it? I mean, I've never ever seen an actual person live, in anything close to what some of these fashion designers are making. Of course, I hang out at Wal-Mart a lot so that may explain a little.

Other than Hollywood actresses on Oscar night, who wears that stuff?

Now I'm all into pretty girls dressing up and showing off pretty clothes. Seeing anorexic girls showing off these wild fashion designs I've never seen anyone wear....ever, not so much! I'll just change the channel and watch some sports. And wouldn't you know it, the sports world can get their bad fashion on too. And Houston sports teams usually rank pretty high on lists dealing with not-so-fashionable fashion.
It started with the Astros in the 70's.

Having grown up watching the team play in those unis, I kinda like them. They've even made sort of a comeback and you'll see a lot of people wearing these jerseys at Astros games. But talk to anyone not from these parts and these unis are usually the first ones people think of when talking about bad uniforms. If that's not bad enough though, the Houston Rockets gave us this little gem in the late 90's.

Better known as pajamas, these doozies featured a spaceship, or rocket, with teeth.

So Houston has had it's share of teams with bad uniforms, but I don't think any city has had such a bad run of bad uniforms than Chicago, particularly, the Chicago White Sox.

Not just a string of bad uniforms, they can't even decide on a color scheme. But as bad as those are, nothing beats these:

The fanned out disco collar and SHORTS??!!!! Yes, they really played professional baseball in these things.

And Chicago is not done. The Bears might have some say in this.

Got ketchup? Houston is back in the mix. Here's the Texans answer.

But the Philadelphia Phillies did it first.

Don't like ketchup, how about some San Diego Padres brown mustard?

If all of that ketchup and mustard doesn't have you puking green, maybe the Seattle Seahawks will.

The Baltimore Orioles know orange.

This soccer team doesn't quite have orange down, no matter what the jersey says.

All I can say here is, "ARRRRRR Matey!"

This is not a chorus line, this is the Denver Broncos.

It wasn't much better back in the roaring 20's either. The Frankford Yellow Jackets (who morphed into the Philadelphia Eagles) gave folks this:

How 'bout some hockey, eh? Canada's fashion doesn't get much better.
The Vancouver Canucks.

And the Montreal Canadiens sported these threads.

Had to be owned by an optometrist at the time, right? He must have made a killing off of hockey fans. "Yes, I'll have nachos, a beer, a bag of peanuts, and I'll take a stronger eyeglasses prescription. Thanks."

As bad as all of those uniforms are, there is one that is so shockingly ugly that I really don't want to desecrate my blog with it, but I feel I must so that you will know. Be warned though. This is bad, bad, bad!!!

Titans blow!!!

Must be getting close to football season!

LEMONADE, THAT COOL REFRESHING DRINK

BULLETIN: Kid criminals are on the rise. It's a phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. Officials claim the criminals they catch are getting younger and younger. And it's not just in the big cities, it's spreading to rural America like a wildfire. We go now to the tiny town of Midway, GA where we have police chief Kelly Morningstar on the scene.

Morningstar: We couldn't believe what we were seeing. We had to take action fast to protect the fine citizens of Midway. A 14 year old girl and a 10 year old girl, TEN, operating a lemonade stand without a permit. We had to shut it down quick.

Well, I'm glad the people of Midway are safe and.........

wait.......

WHAT???!!!!!!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, Midway, Georgia's finest shut down a lemonade stand that 3 young girls were running to make some money to go to a water park, because they were breaking the law by operating their stand without a business and food permit - which will run you $50 a day in Midway.

The police chief says, (and this is a real quote), "We were not aware of how the lemonade was made, who made the lemonade, of what the lemonade was made with, so we acted accordingly by city ordinance."

Holy sour face, Batman! Are you kidding me? It's 3 girls making lemonade in a small podunk town where everybody probably knows everybody. Did CSI have to come out and run tests on the lemonade? I understand SWAT was on standby. Thankfully the little girls didn't have to get some Jack Bauer all up in their faces.

These girls probably should have opened a lemonade/donut stand, and I'd bet they'd be buying season passes to the water park by now. With a police freaking escort every day. And that's without selling a drop of lemonade.

I guess one positive in all of this would be that crime is pretty low in Midway. So low that the police have nothing better to do than to bust up lemonade stand crime rings. They must have been onto these girls from the moment they walked out of the Piggly Wiggly with an unusual amount of lemons and sugar. "Alright boys, I think we're about to bust this case wide open."

Way to go Midway police!! Got to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past you guys.

In other news, local boy tased for mowing grass without a permit.

PLANK GOODNESS

When I was a kid, before the age of video games (hey, it wasn't that long ago), you had to go outside and play. Stay in the house all day? Nope, not gonna happen. So to pass the time on those long, hot, summer days, we had to get creative and come up with things to do.

We would play a lot of sports for the most part, football, basketball, kickball and the like, but we made some up too. Some games weren't really sports but still involved a ball, like "Hit the Man in the Tree". This is a game where everyone would climb up into this big tree and someone was left on the ground. That person would have a tennis ball and had to try to hit someone in the tree. When you did, you got to climb the tree and the person hit would have to climb down and try to hit someone in the tree. There was no winner really. And you'd think it would be better to be the guy safely on the ground throwing at people in a tree. But no, the object was to nail someone and get into the tree to get thrown at.

This game was such a hit to us that sometimes we didn't need a tree. We also came up with "Hit the Man on the Trampoline" and "Hit the Man in the Ditch". Never got around to "Hit the Man on the Roof" for some reason, though you'd think it couldn't be much worse than a tree. Anyway, pretty silly, looking back, but hey, we were kids. We were outside getting plenty of exercise.

These days, people are coming up with some really, really strange stuff. I guess it's good that people are getting outside and doing something as opposed to being parked inside playing Wii or Xbox all day, but then again, are they really doing anything?

I present to you "PLANKING".

Planking is when someone lies down flat, with arms to their side, to mimic a wooden plank. The term "planking" was coined in Australia earlier this year, but the "game's" origins can be traced back to England in 1997, where it was called the "lying down game". This "game" slowly started spreading around the world. In 2003 it hit South Korea. They called it "playing dead". It was "à plat ventre" (on one's belly), in France in 2004. When it got to America last year, it was called "facedowns".

The purpose of it seems to be to just "plank" anywhere you can, have someone take a picture of it, then post it on the world wide 'net. And because of the internet, people, of course, are want to do it in the most unusual places.

At the supermarket for example.

In the supermarket.

Don't let the ol' 9 to 5 stop you from planking.

A single plank not good enough? How 'bout the triple decker?

There's zoo planking.

Gangsta planking.

Would you like fries with that plank?

The 7th inning plank.

A planking convoy.

OK, I don't think this is planking, I think she's just stanking drunk.

They've even got pets planking.

Is "planking" the best people can come up with? And is this really sweeping the planet like it is? What's next, standing straight up and calling it "Poling"? Leaning everywhere you go and calling it "Tower of Pisa"?

You know what? I'm someone who always tries to live by "don't knock it until you try it", so here it goes.

Fence planking.